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Cathartic revelations and alcohol
2001-04-26 - 4:27 p.m. Seurat painted the rain with large white raindrops and the sun sparkled on the Round Pond like wind chimes dirty white swans coasting on the silvered surface and charcoal clouds against an old ivory sky covered me like wet cotton and london buses whispered by behind a barrier of early spring trees in blossom their trunks glistening obsidian and everything was a wet melancholy I miss London a great deal and want to go back. But alas that will be another time I am not the voice of reason. What was i thinking? First if I ever decide to ever buy drinks for anyone ever again, you have my permission to shoot me on the spot. Citizen's arrest and perfunctory execution, we'll call it. But know right now, it won't be happening again where I have any say in the matter. It won't be at my house. period. end of discussion. I was wrong in doing it in the first place. My voice of reason must've been on holiday. so part of the blame for the evening and the consequences are my fault. And a lot of people may think that its no big deal, because a) they're going to drink if they want to and b) it wasn't so bad. But I shouldn't have done it in the first place. a couple of people made spectacles of themselves, drinking way too much. And whether they thought they were drunk or not, that's really besides the point. If they weren't drunk, then the fact that they kept drinking after i said it was enough and not only that, but then goaded someone to make them more to drink since they were making one for themselves, just makes it that much worse. Again part of the problem was me, so I get to carry some of the blame. lesson learned. But with the alcohol an opportunity arose to bring about some cathartic revelations. Like how they treat each other. So many times i hear the words best friends and then the next thing I hear is nothing but derogatory and completely nullifies whatever was just said. I mean it makes me wonder just what is said about me behind my back too. Its not a feeling I like. there's a great deal of discussion concerning trust between each other and forgiving each other and putting the past behind you. Truth of the matter is, the past is a part of you. Its hard to say it never happened when it did. We are creatures of memory, and anything emotional carries so much more with it in the way of memory. You can't hurt someone and then forget it. If you're going to forgive someone, then do it. I see a lot of faces portraying forgiveness but then I hear the words and its not forgiveness at all. Don't just say what they want to hear. that's not how it works. If you are truly friends, truly, then you need to drop what happened. A lot of stuff got put out in the open. Secrets told, feelings and emotions expressed, thoughts and observations revealed. As disastrous as last night ended, it was still filled with revelation. Now I know you want particulars but its probably best not to go into it. Suffice to say, I was disappointed, in myself as well as the others. Of course there was Wade who was teh calm in the storm . He really was, he didn't drink, he listened and talked to everyone in turn letting everything out into the open. He said he felt lighter today, which is something I believe is true. Michael drank a little bit and really didn't do anything wrong either. they both get stars by their name I was a bit tipsy, I have a very low alcohol tolerance as it is, so its rather fortunate. I don't think I made a fool of myself or anything, but who knows. Paige was her quiet and neutral self, the rock of gibraltar in a tossing sea. that's always good Gold star Denise, Michael's sister, was there trying to do her chemistry home work too and she also gets a gold star the others, well lets just say I'm shaking my head a bit at the moment. I mean I'm not saying they did anything that was terribly bad, it was just them making a spectacle of themselves in manners that tells me that I won't let them drink any more. Not here, not with me. i don't want to be responsible for it, or feel bad the next day for allowing it to happen. End of story. No pointing of fingers. No yelling or chastising or scolding. the end. I talked to mel yesterday afternoon. it was really nice. We talked for about an hour. She had just returned from her trip to Chicago and she had a wonderful time. I had hoped she would and she did. it was really great. She sounds like she had more fun that when I went to chicago. Makes me want to go back to chicago myself. I do have two weeks of vacation left, we'll see. One week I am spending down in Austin with Jennifer (austin Jennifer) and then I haven't decided about the other week. Maybe a train ride to chicago would be in order. hmmmm. contemplation mode begins. grin I guess that's all i have to say at the moemtn. Kind of a drab little entry, but I was hard pressed as to how to put last nights festivities. I don't want people to think that I am amd at anyone, cuz I am not, the only person i am really disappointed in is myself. I did and do know better and still did it. So put your mind at ease. talk at you later
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