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A Sweet sadness
Thursday, Feb. 21, 2002 - 12:35 A.M. If the world came to an end tomorrow and you were still able to have regrets for what you weren't able to do, what ever chance or opportunity you let slip through your fingers and out of your reach, what regrets would those be. What would you look back on and say, I should have done that, or i should have said that to this person or that, i should have told them how i feel. I should have.... I have this feeling that i am going to look back one day and say i should have to a lot of things. And I don't want to be able to look back and think something like that. I should have... I want to tell you what I think and how i feel about you. I want to let you know what goes through my mind and I want to discuss it with you. I want to be free and liberated and know that what I feel in my heart and what i think in my head are valid and true and good. I want.... I wish I didn't feel so vulnerable. I wish what you say about me didn't hurt me. I wish what you said to me didn't hurt me. I wish that I didn't feel as much as I do. I wish .... I don't remember many of my dreams. The two most power dreams that I remember are two dreams in which I died. One dream I was stabbed in the throat trying to save someone, I don't know who or why but I was stabbed in the throat and my dream self was so amazed that it didn't hurt. The other dream I had i dove in front of John Goodman and was shot in the chest several times. Both times I woke up crying. It was freaky. I used to dream i flew alot. I always was asble to take to flight really well but my landings always scared my dreamself and I was always caught in updrafts that prevented me from landing. i wonder how one would dissect a dream like that. I wish I remembered my dreams. I think I would like sleeping much more. I know a friend of mine who so looked forward to going to sleep because of the dreams she might have. SHe had very vivid dreams which often times left her wistful and I'm under the opinion that I was taken advantage of on occasion. :) I don't know where that came from. Defense mechanism. Getting too deep Work was pretty good today. It was a day shift so I didn't have to close and I worked with semi normal people which apparently I am going to have to get used to working with blah people again since it looks like Derek will be searching for a new job now. SIGH. But he needs to get a new job, Martha isn't giving him any hours and I don't think Wade has many hours to give either and we have our trip coming up in 17 days and well he's gonna need some money soon. So I understand, I just don't want him to go. Makes me a sad camper. We; Paige, Wade, Christan and I went to Uno's tonight. I was hoping that Derek would come too, but he already had made plans with Marcus. It was a good time though and the pizza was damn good! They have the best crust anywhere. Our waiter was an odd freak of a person, trying to be funny and failing miserably. He didn't take the hint that he wasn't funny. Apparently he's a bit dense. I know its bad when I am tempted to write out Britney lyrics as inspiration for something I contemplated saying in here. Bad Bad Bad. I need help. Instead no lyrics and no contemplated revelations. Which one might assume is a bit irritating,but alas, that's me sometimes. Irritating. Probably just one more think I'll look back on and regret. Okay, I'm gonna go now. I;ve said practically nothing, not even between the lines, well sorta but not really. Someone really needs to be able to decrypt this thing. It'll make reading it that much easy. I'll write you again later |
