�stalk:
email
notes
guestbook

�FRIENDS:
Derek
Wade
Paige
Jessica

�QUOTE:

People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world. - Calvin


Catharsis:
1 : PURGATION
2 a : purification or purgation of the emotions (as pity and fear) primarily through art b : a purification or purgation that brings about spiritual renewal or release from tension
3 : elimination of a complex by bringing it to consciousness and affording it expression

�SENSES:
Listening:
Bach's Air for G Strings
Samuel Barber's Adagio for Strings


Reading:
Robert Crais' Stalking the Angel


Watching:
nothing's no right now

Wednesday, Feb. 26, 2003 - 10:18 P.M.
You know you look back and remember a particular time, a particular spot in your life and you try to slip back in that skin and be whoever you were back then and i'm sure, 9 times out of 10 you can't feel now, what you were feeling then. I'm sure a lot of it is that whole hindsight is 20/20 crap, because we supposably know so much more. I wonder though.

I started writing Mel a letter this afternoon when I got home from work. I worked this morning as opposed to tonight, which I am really glad for. But I didn't finish it and I thought maybe I would put it here instead, it seemed much more apropos:

Mel,

I haven't done this in forever. Makes me feel a bit melancholy, with that realization. Or maybe its the combination of the music I have playing on my laptop (Samuel Barber's Adagio for Strings) while writing you that has me feeling melancholy. All I know is that the combination of the two and the fact that it has been so long has made me a melancholy soul at the moment.

Anyway. Hi. How are you? I don't have the opportunity to ask that too often of late it seems. I hope you are doing well. And that Little Miss is doing well too. I'll even go so far as to say I hope HE is doing alright.....not well, but surviving will be acceptable. LOL. No I shouldn't say that. I do hope, for your sake, that he is well.

I am doing alright. I think. I have this feeling like my life is hanging over my head, like some damocles sword dangling from above waiting for the right moment to drop. I don't know, this year so far has been very unusual. Or maybe it feels like I'm waking up from some dream that has lasted for so many years. I don't know. Its strange. I don't know how to describe it exactly.....

Anyway.....I don't know why I didn't send it or finish it for that matter. I don't even know why I wrote what I did up to the point where I stopped. it was one of those sit down and start writing letters and it sorta took me by surprise. Usually when i sit down and write to her I end up writing something like that and I don't send it. From the very beginning, she has been a muse to me and even in the letters that I write to her she brings words from me that open my eyes. I think the reason she and I never became a we, is because I didn't share myself with her, I didn't speak my heart to her, I didn't let down my guard and willing let myself chance being hurt by her the one person who would have never hurt me, so I in turn hurt her.

I hope since then, that I have changed. I think I have. I don't know if I still keep people at too far of a distance, especially those whom I care most about. I remember teh last time she was up here, we went to eat at Joe's Crab Shack and we had probably the most revealing conversation about what the hell was wrong with me that I had ever had with her. Its a shame that it came so late.

I don't regret anything that has happened in my life. Everything I believe does happen for a reason, the good and the bad. I cannot play the if game and go back and remedy my life. It is done up to this point. I do look back wistfully at What Might Have Been and it hurts like hell sometimes.

Moving on, something we've both been in the process of doing for awhile now, is a slow task. I don't like it. Don't like it at all. But our lives are different now and while we remain truly blessed friends, beyond that is clouded in memory and mystery. I love her, I truly do. I miss her too. And maybe that's part of it. Derek said something :

From the first time you give your heart away, you never get all of it back. And when the people you've given your heart to leave, then it's like you'll never be complete again... Forever

I hold on now, because I never held on as I was growing up. I didn't have anything I wanted to hold on to, no one I wanted to hold on to. Now I cannot say that.

My mind has been bogged down in this all day. To make matters worse I listened to that music again and any number of other songs that I downloaded. Adagio for Strings and Bach's Air for G Strings....I cring at that couple....G strings....its just wrong. but it is the most beautiful and serene.

Suffice to say that I shall make tomorrow a brighter day. Hopefully the crystalline cage will be completely metlted away and the sky will be blue and the sun will be shining brightly and even birds will be singing. Until then....Adieu

neurosis ~ catharsis