�stalk:
email
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�FRIENDS:
Derek
Wade
Paige
Jessica

�QUOTE:

People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world. - Calvin


Catharsis:
1 : PURGATION
2 a : purification or purgation of the emotions (as pity and fear) primarily through art b : a purification or purgation that brings about spiritual renewal or release from tension
3 : elimination of a complex by bringing it to consciousness and affording it expression

�SENSES:
Listening:
LOVE


Reading:
LAUGH


Watching:
DRINK DR PEPPER

Wednesday, May. 22, 2002 - 9:19 A.M.
What is it with writing new entries sometimes Its like pulling teeth, and as I ain't no dentist, this entry is going to come out all wrong. My last entry was so insightful and, so much so that you can visit the magic 8 ball anytime you want now, i liked it so much, but that really doesn't an entry make. Really the only reason I put the magic 8 ball on my diary is because we a little book and magic 8 ball set at work the other day and Derek and I were asking it questions and I thought to myself, what my diaryland needs is a new fandangled toy for all ages, something to take teh edge off the ol' diary. Especially when there ain't no edge. So voila, (ou est mon accent grave) Magic 8 Ball.

There's a flashing banner on the add an entry page that is about to send me into convulsion. its very annoying. ahh that's better. Scrolling is a god send.

I was going to go to the pool today, but I see the pool guy/maintenance man has decided that now is the right time to clean the pool. I hope he's just going to vacuum out all the debris that's blown in and not do the chemicals and such so that I can go out there for a bit before I go to work. That would be nice. I swear its like paradise has moved to Texas for the week. Its been amazingly beautiful all week. What gives?

I got a raise at work. A whole freakin 5%. Can you say, hot damn! Come on I know you can say it. Hot Damn. Repeat after me. Hot damn. It is good though. I do make a nice round $11.52 an hour to sell books to the masses, so I really shouldn't complain too much. But I feel like complaining.

D'you ever feel responsible for things that are/were beyond your control. Do you ever think that had you been somewhere or done something different, the outcome at the end of the day or down the line would have been completely different. And when you think about it, no matter how irrational, because predicting the future is ridiculous, even with hindsight. The thing is you know, had you done something different, things would have been different. Had I but gone with everyone on a particular, this wouldn't have happened. Had I not walked away this particular night, this wouldn't have happened. Had I been more stronger about my feelings and heart this wouldn't have happened because in each case, and there are actually three existing incidents that i am referring to that had I but done something different, this might be different. Those 3 things one of which was years ago and the burden of responsibility which logically should not be on my shoulders i feel so often and then two of them, very recent, one so recent as the words echo in my head right now, those words spoken by another reiterate my very thoughts and illustrate a belief by that person that I carry a burden of responsibility. It ridiculous of course. I am no knight in shining armor. I can't prevent the ills of the world, no matter my desires to do so. Hindsight opens your eyes to the possibilities. Its hard to live in the present knowing that little mistakes often ripple into catastrophic personal events. And you can't apologize or make up for something you didn't know was going to happen.

You would think that the trusty magic 8 ball might be a little more insightful. Alas we never know what the future holds. Hindsight is 20/20 but foresight is blind.

I had a whole other entry written that I was going to put in here. Actually I was writing someone who's on vacation in sunny Florida (hi mel) and her letter turned into my entry but rereading it I decided not to send the email and hit the discard button and the email was history. I didn't want to ruin her trip with a little sour whine. So I kept it to myself. how do you respond to an email like this :

Andrew!

I am in sunny -- okay, partly cloudy -- Weston, Florida. The resort and condo are incredibly posh. Really too posh for me. I was afraid they weren't going to let me in. British, German, and French accents abound. It's amazingly beautiful and relaxing, although I have to admit when I woke up this morning my first reaction was, oh, it's 8:00, I'd better get moving to... hm... to what? And I had to tell myself to r-e-l-a-x and just do nothing. So I laid in bed until the sinfully lazy hour of 9:00 watching "Today" before getting up and walking about 1.5 miles -- winding around the edges of two magnificient 18-hole golf courses -- to "Bagemania" where I enjoyed a hearty breakfast of two eggs (over easy of course! stop saying blech), two strips of bacon, two sausage links and a HUGE bagel with cream cheese. Oh, yes, and coffee. Then I walked the approximate 1.5 miles back to the condo and went to the pool (11:30-ish) where I stayed for two hours enjoying sun and water. During my semi-napping state at one point my mind artfully began carving the next scene in my seemingly-never-to-be-completed romance "novel" (yes, I use that term loosely) which tickled me pink. SO I've returned to write it down. But not before checking my mail (it's a disease!) and sending you this little note.

So off I am to write something brilliant...okay, to write any way... and I will update you on how well it went later.

Hope you are enjoying your Tuesday.

yours,

Mel

Okay, I know what you're all thinking, what, what are you talking about before you try to change the subject. The thing about them is that its all irrational, these thoughts about them, about what I could've done. The funny thing about life is that we have no idea what we are supposed to endure, what obstacles are to be thrown in our way, what barriers we are supposed to climb, what heartache we are supposed to survive, we don't know what of life that we are suppose to live, all I know, is that we are supposed to grown from them,become more than our struggles, more than our burdens, more, because then we become more of who we are. We can't stop the world from turning, we just through live to the next day and see that it did.

neurosis ~ catharsis