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People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world. - Calvin


Catharsis:
1 : PURGATION
2 a : purification or purgation of the emotions (as pity and fear) primarily through art b : a purification or purgation that brings about spiritual renewal or release from tension
3 : elimination of a complex by bringing it to consciousness and affording it expression

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Sunday, Nov. 24, 2002 - 1:47 A.M.
SOmetimes I am left to wonder what everything is all about. Life in general seems about as fickled and meaningless as anything. It irritates me to no end. I'm not saying life should be clearly understood. But I would like to think that the notions and ideas that I have concerning life, you know the everyday life that we observe in passing hassome sort of basis in reality. The problem is that our observations, those are not based on reality but rather I perceptions of reality.

As you might have heard Wade Jennifer Gibbs and I were in an automobile accident not less that three days ago and for all intense and purposes we should have been much more hurt than we were. We came very close to .....well lets just say that we were very lucky. I have a purple arm that would argue that statement but if that's all I have to worry about, I guess I got off pretty lucky. THe funny thing is everyone keeps asking me if I saw my life flashbefore my eyes and if I was scared and I keep thinking about it and realizing that no I didn't. No flashes, no fear. It was just a instant of complete and total confusion followed quickly by get out of the car and get the others out and wait forthe police. Afterwards we realized how bad it could have been, what could have happened and how fortunate we were. I'm hard pressed to say that it frightens me even now. It just seems so unimaginable to have been "at death's door" and knocking. I don't see it that way. I see it as an accident that happened that quickly. Everybody else seems to be up in arms about the whole thing, angry and upset at the possibilities. IfI turn it around, and it were one of my friends who could possibly have died, I think I would see it differently. But all the while ever since it happened, not once has it occurred to me, not even in passing, even as I was talking about how close it could have been, not once does it seem real to me that I could have died that night. And so I don't feel the anger, the fear, I don't feel anything about it. I'm just glad we all made it out pretty much all right.

Derek is mad at Wade. Ms Baker is mad at Wade. Lot's of people are mad at Wade. And if I can be egotistical for but a moment I don't think it has to do with who was driving but rather the fact that I could have died, that all of us could have died. There are times when I don't feel I have much worth to people. That I ma but a face in the crowd, that were I to fall off the edge of the planet, there would be no void to fill, no emptiness felt. I mean sure family and such, but sometimes I feel truly disconnected and it takes something like this to feel apart of things, apart of peoples lives. I don't mean to say that I feel that way al the time. I know I am of some import to lots of people. Okay let's not emphasize the "lots" but still. I''d like to think that Derek is mad at Wade solely because he endangered me, my life. I'm fairly certain that that is the reason Ms Baker was upset. Wade doesn't seem to understand why people would be mad at him. Nor does he understand why I am not mad at him. And I fear I have failed in expressing that in the entry.

.........

My brother Tim just came by the apartment. He's pretty much drunk off his butt. He walked from where ever he had gotten drunk to here. He was crying. He's bound and determined to believe that his wife doesn't love him. He is miserable and crying and earlier today they were all in the bookstore and the family is the picture of happiness. mom dad and three little children. ANd I know that the reality of it is,both of them are miserable and while they love each other they feel they are missing so much of their lives. My brother loves her more than anything but he doesn't feel she loves him. Course this was all drunken rambling. It all depresses me

I know of someone else who is not happy in their marriage either. Discontent beyond words. THe union has never been happy that I know of.

It depresses me.

Love is a crock of crap.

How is it possible that I seem to me, to be the happiest person I know? Me who wants to have all that my brother has, all that my friends have, all that, and it doesn't seem to be enough to make them happy. I want what tehy have, but I am happy without it. Content at the very least. I told myself that I wouldn't settle for being content, but right now, content seems wonderful.

neurosis ~ catharsis