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People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world. - Calvin


Catharsis:
1 : PURGATION
2 a : purification or purgation of the emotions (as pity and fear) primarily through art b : a purification or purgation that brings about spiritual renewal or release from tension
3 : elimination of a complex by bringing it to consciousness and affording it expression

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Saturday, Sept. 28, 2002 - 8:07 P.M.
Life is circuitous. I've noticed a pattern. I wrote this entry back on April 12th. I don't recall just what was happening that brought about this entry but the sentiment expressed herein is pulsing through me and beating me down more than I have ever felt in a very long time.

I'm at a loss. I shouldn't be listening to the song. I shouldn't be feeling hurt. I shouldn't be feeling scared, that things are irreparable, that my friendship dangles so precariously on threads of hope that this friendship, one of the most profound friendships, if not the most profound friendship I have ever had, is in question. Maybe I'm blowing things out of proportions. My insecurites which seemed so pathetically miniscule a week ago loom large in my mind and heart right now. So much so that its hard to breathe at the moment, my chest literally hurts. Is there something wrong that I replay the song over and over again. Anyway this is part of the entry I wrote....

There's a song, and you probably know it, but if you ever wonder, if you have any question about what a friend should be willing to do for a friend, this is it right here. And if you ever have a doubt about what I would do for you my friends this is it.

oh why you look so sad,

tears are in your eyes,

come on and come to me now,

don't

be ashamed to cry,

let me see you through,

cuz I've seen the dark side too.

When the night falls on you,

you don't know what to do,

nothing you confess, could make me love you less.

So, if you're mad, get mad,

don't hold it all inside,

come on and talk to me now,

hey, what you got to hide,

i get angry too,

but I'm alot like you

when you're standing at the crossroads,

don't know which path to choose,

let me come along,

cuz even if you're wrong.

I'll stand by you

And when

When the night falls on you,

you're feeling all alone

you won't be on your own,

I'll stand by you

Now someone might read this and say, well what about all those friends that you had this time last year. Where are they? Why aren't you standing by them? And all I can say, is that I don't know. I have the priviledge of knowing that I am far from perfect. Believe me when I say I am flawed. Its not for lack of trying. If I am right, and who knows if I am, I don't think it was me that walked away. And I have to ask, were we friends? I would be lying if I didn't say I didn't miss what we had, but what was it? Were they my friend or were they friends of friends

I mean everyone in that group of people I met through someone. And they befriended me. But then the great rift of May occurred and people chose sides and everyone went in separate directions and I know that out of all of them, there is only one, that I am aware of, that refers to me in a bad light. All the others are as cordial and nice to me as ever, even if I see them very rarely. I would have no qualms having them over for a lasagna dinner. Though that seems as about as likely as my getting straight "A"s in all my classes this semester.

Just so YOU know. Its not you against the world. if it feels that way, I'm sorry. It shouldn't. I used to feel that way. For a very long time. And I put the barriers up and kept everyone at bay. it has taken meeting some extraordiary people and creating relationships that I truly needed to chip away at them and bring the walls down low enough to let people in. There are a few people who know I love them. Truly truly truly love them They are a few who mean the world to me. One of them is far away from me, one I talk to on a very irregular basis. One I talk to more frequently. And three of you, are my columns of strength. I hope you know who you are. But YOU, and I think almost everyone who reads this knows of whom I am referring to, YOU have changed me. Something in you, something about you, maybe I see myself, maybe I want to see myself, because no matter what you seem so strong to me, so certain, so sure of what you want, so secure in your decisions, your strengths, while at the same time,beihnd closed doors you know your weaknesses, what hurts you and its not that you have revealed them so freely to me, because I know you have many of the same barriers that I have, but I have been able to know you and through knowing you, they are revealed.... I don't know if that makes sense to anyone. It hardly makes sense to me. You may think it all a bunch of gibberish. I may be pulling all of this out of thin air.

I hate feeling like I am jeopardizing part of myself when I write entries like this. I hate feeling a sense of trepidation that you (and when I say you I mean the people who know me) that you will judge me, or worse.....because it happens.....

Anyway. I'm gonna hit the replay button again, one more time for good measure. The words ring true for all of my friends, but mostly for you. Because you are my best friend.

neurosis ~ catharsis