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fortnight of silence, was it long enough
Monday, Oct. 14, 2002 - 9:04 A.M. All I know is that I look at my computer and the thought of an update makes my stomach turn. I have this problem. I don't know how unique it is, but it seems pretty damn unique to me. My two best friends don't get along too well. For various and sundry reasons, it just doesn't work so much. And the truth of the matter is that when it looked like it would, I was so jealous of the fact that it almost ruined the friendships. They have a lot in common, but they are very different too. Teh idea of them becoming good friends of best friends scares me because, well I'm just very insecure when it comes to my friendships. You would think by now that that wouldn't be the case. But sometimes things happen that reinforce those insecurities. Or people say things that reinforce those insecurites, whatever the case may be, no matter how strongly I feel about them, something will happen and I find myself struggling at square one again, hoping that how much I care for them outweighs whatever the present situation may be. One of the last people I considered to be my best friend came into the bookstore yesterday. He's married now and has a little boy who he corralled around the store and all I had the opportunity to do was to say hi to him as he walked in. I didn't have another opportunity to even say goodbye as they left, I didn't even see him leave. Needless to say the idea that friendships are finite, saddens me a bit. This is not a new worry to me. I've brought it up on occasion with Derek and Wade, because at the moment in my life both of them are the ones that share it with me the most. And the notion that somewhere down the line, inevitably, we will cross paths and it'll be a passing hello and then they'll be gone again, leaves me feeling hollow inside. I've had issues with things ending since I was 10. Probably earlier than that of course. What with moving every year or so when I was a kid growing up and my dad was still in the army. I should be over it, or better yet accept the fact that things end, that people move on, that nothing lasts forever. But part of me feelis that this shouldn't be the case. I wan't these friendships to be the kind that last a lifetime. I want them to be hard and easy, friendships that I am going to have to fight for, but not necesarily have to. Because to me they are worth the fight, while they may anger me or infuritate me or sadden me at times, they are the stuff that friendships, great friendships are made of. :::great volumous sigh:::: I'm going to Austin on Friday. We (Ms Baker and I) are going to Bouchercon, the world mystery convention. We have dinners with several of the main publishers, I get to schmooze with some of my favorite authors and their editors and publishers. Hopefully we'll be able to make some good contacts and bring in some good mystery authors into the store. For me, I'm just happy to be away from the store for two days and getting paid for it Martha is out on vacation til thursday so I don't have to work with her. Which is good then Friday and Saturday I'm gone and Sunday I am working up in Derek's store to help him with manual labor things like tearing down slat walls and stuff. Oh boy. :) My photography class is going okay. Not great. At least this particular assignment, which should be the easiest cuz its just normal pictures, but there hasn't been hardly any sunshine with which to take these pictures in since the assignment. its hard to get axis light when you cast no shadow. Friday night, we had our reception for the College literary journal. It was a delightful occasion with juice and cookies and readings from contributors. Paige was there, though she didn't read because she was being dinner fowl. I read last, my poem On the Edge If I do say so myself, my reading was very good. I liked mine best. Although the individual who won the spring writing competiton last year was very good as well. He had a good presentation voice. Afterwards we all got a free copy of the journal Under the Clock Tower and we signed them like we were celebrities or something. My creative class I took was well represented as contributors, but I think the majority of the cvontributors were the creative writing students. hmmm, what else. I know there's something. Oh the whole financial debacle that is my life. Anyone got 21,000 dollars just lying around that tehy're not doing anything with. I could use it. Before I have to file for bankruptcy or something like that. Believe me I've got a pros and cons listing running in my head as we speak. I've ordered the bankruptcy kit at work. I'm that close. I refuse to scrape by paycheck to paycheck living meagerly on ramen noodles wondering how I'm going to makes ends meet. If its a pride issue that prevents me from doing it, pride ain't gonna fix my credit now anyways. A clean slate, starting all over, that'll be much better. don't you think. Either way my credit is bad for the next 7 to 10 years. No more credit cards for me. Me and my trusty atm card. I'll be good to go. Anyway, the idea is firmly rooted so who knows. Anyways. I guess that is pretty much it. I tried to update last thursday afternoon, I went into a whole friendship thing then too. It was very revelatory or at least would have been, but then thursday night happened, and it made me question everything that I had written. So I just powered off the computer and sent it away to never never read land. oh well I gots to go. I think the sun is trying to come out. I need to take some pictures or something. |
