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People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world. - Calvin


Catharsis:
1 : PURGATION
2 a : purification or purgation of the emotions (as pity and fear) primarily through art b : a purification or purgation that brings about spiritual renewal or release from tension
3 : elimination of a complex by bringing it to consciousness and affording it expression

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2001-03-19 - 09:15:19
You know I'd like to think I know people, I mean really know people, someone, anyone, but the truth of the matter is, I barely know myself. The one person I should know inside out, me, I don't know. How am I supposed to understand and comprehend why people do things when half the things I do leave me completely clueless. then it occurs to me, that, this is one of the reasons I get to be here, alive, on this planet. I get my life to figure out me. I am not suppose to understand it all. And the cool thing is that nobody else understands it all either. Oh you may think you know someone who's got their head on straight, has all their ducks in a row, but do you know what they are thinking on the inside. Do you know why they are just as afraid as you are. Some people are just better at hiding their fears and insecurities way better than others. I have a great poker face. I kid you not. When push comes to shove I can lie with the best of them. Fortunately, push doesn't come to shove very often with me, I don't know why, I think it goes back to my personality, INFP. But that just may be my way of explaining things though. May become a crutch. But it is valid too. I should lean on it and say, no, i can't do that, because it goes against my personality type. that would be stupid. But it helps me understand why I avoid doing certain things or why I do other things. That makes sense to me. It opens my eyes. Not so clearly that I have the answers to everything, but I understand more. that's the thing about an education. Everyone seems to think that its worthless "once I graduate i won't use any of that" And the truth of the matter is that that may be so, but it teaches us how to find and learn the things we will use. That's why I, dear god is this a confession or what, like school, always have. Probably not for the same reason that I do now, but I have always liked school. I know it wasn't for the friendships or anything because most of the friends that i know and care for I have met through work. I don't know anybody now that I knew in school. that part of it is true, Once you graduate everybody goes their separate ways. But even back then my f avorite people were the ones i worked with. But that's partly because growing up i never stayed in one place for more than a year, two max and making new friends I think in the back of my mind I always thought in a year or so we'll be moving again and its a brand new start. My brothers weren't like that though. They made friends and they were best friends for the duration then it was new place new best friends. Me, i was something of a solitary sort. My INFP was digging in. Finally come 9th grade we actually stayed in the same place until I graduated and it was almost normal, except for the whole revolving door of women my father dated, and he dated some really scary people, scarred me for life..hehe...and then I moved into with my mother and well that was almost hell because I didn't feel like I wasn't her son but a boarder under her roof. Stressful times and my escape was probably school and work, but mostly work because I had some sense of freedom, some sense of personal control. School was structured and work was structured too, but most of my jobs I was either the person in charge or one step removed and lets just say I'm a great person to work for, because I am not much of a delegator, primarily cuz usually i can do it faster or I don't like to tell people what to do. My style of management is very conducive to making friends. it still is, to a degree. sorta. cuz at work now, there's Jenni who's my friend and then there's Laura who is not so much stand-offish but we don't have anything to talk about. So we work on those days. those are long days. grin.

Anywho....this is a bit boring, isn't it. I don't know where I was going with it, or if i was going at all.

On a completely different topic:

I have these two stray cats that seem to have taken up residents on my patio. One is a grey and white tabby cat and the other is a calico cat. Both of them seem well fed. (I am under the impression that there are no fat stray cats, just multiple home dwellers) Both of them are constantly trying to get into my apartment when I leave open the door. Both of them will occasionally let me pet them, however not at the same time. If the one stray is present or within eyeshot the other, the other won't let me pet it. Like I'm the toughest stray cat alive. When its all clear he's on his back rolling like he's known me since day one, his purr going a mile a minute. I say him only because well they're both big cats and I just didn't feel too obliged to go prying into that area of the kitty cat. Call me a prude. Anyway I have this papasan chair on the back porch and any time I look out there one of them is curled up as comfortable as if they were next to the fireplace. The second I open the slding door they are alert and eyeing escape routes. It does no good to talk kitty talk to them. They aren't buying it. Come mating season which I have to believe means that one of them is female, they are screeching a howling at one another like a drunk old couple working at foreplay. probably the calico is female cuz she's usually sitting down while the grey tabby is staring intently at her. The calico just stares back with that, you ain't getting any more, look in her eyes that looks more like, oh my god, again?! They used to chase and fight each other. Then yesterday they were both sitting on the porch, one curled up on the papasan chair the other balled up on this old ratty pillow that has ended up on my porch. And that's when i figured it out. They're in love (kitty love) with each other. If they had fingers and hands they'd be pulling each others hair and pinching each other and laughing uproariously (that is if they had the ability to laugh) I think that's what that mating screech is. they haven't evolved far enough to laugh.

Anyway is that just another boring anedote of what. I should go before I decide to talk to you about my laundry. (you know one of my favorite smells in all the world is clean laundry. I don't know what it is. There is this one smell, which I haven't been able to discover that nearly curls my toes it smells so good. Is that freakish or what. Clean laundry. I don't know if who ever it is uses a dryer sheet or not, but when I am at work and someone walks by with that particular clean laundry smell it takes all my will power not to follow closely behind sniffing them. Pretty image huh? the perfume RED does that to me too. Oh my god. One of the most sensual fragrances I have ever encountered. I don't know what it is, but when a lady wears RED its always a plus. I have this image for a commercial for RED perfume. You see this woman, who has an amazing neckline, whatever that small indention in front of the throat, her neckline straight like a young Audrey Hepburn and in the back ground you hear chris Deburgh singing Lady in red and she's holding the bottle of red in front of her and the top she is running along her neckline. and that's all she's wearing is RED. oh mama! hehehe

okay I gotta go. I keep turning down these strange little streets and well who knows where we'll end up before too long. Not a pretty prospect.

Gotta do a littel grocery shopping. my book should be arriving any moment. I can't wait. This is the best fantasy book ever. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. You like fantasy, read George R R Martin. He rules! Read about the series here And if you aren't convince, then there is something terribly wrong with you! ha

okay there I go, another little street, but this one is a cool street, but I'll go anyway. Wander down it all you want though.

neurosis ~ catharsis