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1 : PURGATION
2 a : purification or purgation of the emotions (as pity and fear) primarily through art b : a purification or purgation that brings about spiritual renewal or release from tension
3 : elimination of a complex by bringing it to consciousness and affording it expression

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2001-02-19 - 11:05 p.m.
When I was ten I ran away from home. My father was over in germany for 6 months and we were living down in Fort Hood Texas and it was obvious to us, my twin brother and I, that we weren't wanted there. We had an older brother too and he was always doing things wrong and getting away with it but if we did something wrong well it wasn't a good thing. So we decided to run away. Its not something I would have done by myself and for as long as I can remember when I tell this story I say that i was just going with my brother, that really I wasn't running away, i was just going with him. But the truth of it was i was running away too.

When I was ten I remember we got our sleeping bags and I got a tooth brush, dental hygiene being very important and all of three cents in my pocket. We took off down the stairs and our big brother came home with one of his friends and he asked us where we were going and james said, "we're running away." And out the door and into the night we went.

When i was ten I don't remember being scared or anything, i don't remember any amount of emotion I just remember walking through those woods and along the dark roads. We were on a military base and truth be told there really wasn't going to be away for us to get out except through the checkpoint at one of the gates. We saw the check point up the road and my brother, always a craftier liar than me said that we should tell him we were camping out. So when we got up there he asked us what we were doing and the first thing out of my mouth was we were running away. One thing led to another and we were at the MP headquarters waiting for our mom to come and get us. She had called the police when she had gotten home and found us gone. they had gotten search dogs and everything, the dogs had apparently gone the wrong direction in their search for us. After all the fuss was over and done with and we were all back at home, my mother asked us if we wanted to run away again. I had said no, truth be told I wasn't the run away type. even then I was too responsible for my own good. James had said yes. he was the rebellious "2nd child" and he didn't want to stay. being the rebellious one, he alway received the worst treatment out of all of us. One time she had hit him in the face with the belt and the buckle had left a big bruise on his cheek and the people at school had called child services and they had come out and talked to her. that was the same year that we ran away and later still my mom and dad would get divorced and we would be told by my father that my mother only wanted my older brother and my youngest brother. And for years, i felt like my mother didn't really love me, like she was just going through the motions. like she had to love us but didn't want to. I know all of this has given me some issues to deal with and I think I have dealt with them fairly well, but still just thinking about stuff like that, even though its nothing traumatic or horrible, but no child should feel that way, like they aren't loved. I mean i can feel it right now, just writing this, the way it felt when i was ten.

neurosis ~ catharsis