�stalk:
email
notes
guestbook

�FRIENDS:
Derek
Wade
Paige
Jessica

�QUOTE:

People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world. - Calvin


Catharsis:
1 : PURGATION
2 a : purification or purgation of the emotions (as pity and fear) primarily through art b : a purification or purgation that brings about spiritual renewal or release from tension
3 : elimination of a complex by bringing it to consciousness and affording it expression

�SENSES:
Listening:



Reading:



Watching:

2001-04-29 - 8:55 a.m.
sitting here listening to my napster files, an eclectic collection of stuff that probably gives a wonderful insight into my pschological makeup and i find myself feeling rather blah today. Not healthwise, I feel fine, but you know sometimes you wake up in a mental state that leaves something to be desired. This usually happenes after i come back from vacation. At least I'm hoping that is what it is. As much as I like my job, I hate it too. And it really isn't the job cuz well its a job. I love teh books, I love to read so its a good job and its not what I "plan" on doing the rest of my life, but sometimes it makes me feel like I am in this big gnarly rut,where my wheels are spinning and the only thing moving is the detritus shooting out from behind the wheels and into the air behind me. Except it really isn't shooting out that hard because whatever motion and effort I put into it, seems a bit lackluster. I feel like there is something I need to be doing, a new leaf needs to fall from the tree, soemthing I can turn over and begin anew. Its a bit frustrating, a bit unnerving, a bit scary because I'm supposed to be this self assured adult capable of doing all that I can and I have this sense of insecurity that yaps at my heels like some shaky assed chihuahua that all I want to do is give the boot.

Everybody in the little group seems itching to go their own way. And its the natural course of things. Life beckons them and as much as they hold their friendships with each other, those friendships shouldn't be a hinderance or stumbling blocks to their success. And I am not saying that the friendships are deteriorating, but the vortexes are a bit wobbly. Last week was a doozy of a week. Culminating in the gathering chez moi. I don't know. I haven't really talked to Chris or Michael since then so as far as I know everything is okay with them. And everything is almost as usual with Wade and Jenni but they appear to be a bit off too. Its like he's made some decisions and his life course has changed a bit. I don't think it was just the gathering of souls and the conversations that were had, but it certainly seems to have been the end of the line for an "old" Wade. Reality bites and leaves teeth marks sometimes, sometimes it breaks the skin and you have to look at it and doctor it to make sure it doesn't get infected. i guess this bite was a revelation. I don't know. In the end he has to do what he has to do and as his friends we should support him. Just as long as there isn't a ride off into the sunset. Course even that, who knows. Jenni is looking to ride off into the proverbial sunset of Elizabeth, New York. I like the name Elizabeth for the name of a town. I have this romantic ideal of this poor guy, completely enamoured with someone, maybe unrequited love and he decides he has to go and strt anew. So he starts this town, wonders down to the state charte office and says I need to start a new town, can you draw up the papers and oh crap, or maybe this was way back in time and he might say oh crapeth, and then he stumbles upon a real brilliant idea. Call it Elizabeth and the town charter guy, in his snazzy charter suit and tie or whatever business attire he'll be wearing says, that's brilliant, after the queen of England, the first one not the second one naturally. And this poor guy will nod his head, thinking how foolish it would be otherwise. And all of that just goes to show that I need to refrain from thinking while I am writing an entry. Anyway Jenni is of a mind to venture off to New York, she feels like she is in a rut, wanting to be a writer. And Elizabeth New York is the place to go, actually its just going away, you know fresh roots, new surroundings, a brand new start. I'm not so surprised that it is almost as far away from Texas as to another country as almost possible. Course New York is a great place to be if you are a writer. I mean finish your manuscript and you consider who to submit it to, and instead of getting out your retrun address envelops you decide I'll just mosey on over to publisher's row and hand them in like a homework assignment. I don't know.

Chris and Mikey they are both about to be out of school. They are on this ledge over looking the world, the sun rising off in the horizon, the water sparkling this wondrous azure and gold, and they have each other and the leap must be an exhilerating idea. the fall, life's wonder and when their wings take them up and away where they can fly in whatever direction to be and do whatever they want flying into the sun or away from it to always look back and see that wondrous sunrise.

I'm in this terrible mood. Can i be a bit selfish for a moment. these people isinuate themselves into my life, and insinuation that I welcomes, although a bit obstinately, and all of the sudden i look up a half a year later and they are all trying to run in all directions. Maybe I am blowing things out of proportion, but really I'm not. Life beckons them. It beckons me too. If i thought I could survive in london long enough without everybody, I would have stayed. Sincerely. there was many a help wanted sign that was a temptation. but... and there is a but, a big one, saying but what about everybody else. I'd miss the hell out of them. I would.

Reality has bitten me, once to often and the teeth marks were evident. reality and I aren't teh best of friends and well......

crap, I have to go and get ready for work. See what I mean, Reality is a bitch sometimes.

talk to you later.

neurosis ~ catharsis