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a day in the life and other deeper topics of discussion ::::WARNING:::
2001-05-02 - 12:54 a.m. It started off rather abruptly. The alarm clock blaring, time to get your lazy sleepy butt out of bed. I put it off, put it off and put it off until I had 15 minutes to be sitting in my first period class. You'll be happy to know I got there in a little less than 8 minutes. Granted I probably looked like someone tried to smother me with a pillow, but I was there in class with an expression os half interest/half you know that table looks awfully comfy considering its made of very hardwood, do you mind if I snore. Then after a rousing hour and 20 minutes of philosophy, I had a free period, in which I ran and fetched myself a king size Snicker bar, mmmmmmmm and a nice cold Dr Pepper. Breakfast of champions, I tell you. Then I had my personality class, which was pretty good too. Then I had to rush from campus to my apartment to work in 30 minutes. Work was pretty good. I worked with Derek, who is a fairly entertaining person, he was reading Seussisms for Success and then The Giving Tree (a terrible book by the way, the greedy basstard took everything from that ree, and how can you possibly tell me that tree was happy at the end with this old guy sitting on a stump, i think not) Then we discussed the idea of having a grand book burning which eventually dissolved into a whole new society which isn't worth repeating because we were freally just getting silly at that point and alot of the stuff that was said was/and is terrible stuff. But it passed the time rather nicely. Then 9:15 finally arrived and I was on my way to my happy little abode. I settled to my last cold dr pepper, had a nice long chat online with HER, and then talked to Wade on the telephone. Then we went to putt putt and hit the batting cages. He had some pent up energy and apparently so did I cuz we had fun. We talked alot about different things, cuz you know, I am the voice of reason and then we came back to the apartment. he picked up his huge collection of cds and we, well alright, he talked some more (grin) and then he went home. I settled merrily at the keyboard for a little one on one diaryland time and that is where you find me. Oh and i started doing a little grocery shopping too. Online grocery shopping rules. I needed provisions for the lasagna night, which has yet to be set, but I want to have a lasagna night with the gang. it'll be cool. So i had to get all the fixins. Then my mind went astray and that is what you have below there. So those of you who don't really want to peak inside the mind that is mine, stop here and go read somebody else. Cuz, well this might seem a bit sad to alot of people. Oh well, you get your life, I get mine. I like mine. Anyway continue at your own risk. have you ever wanted to be somewhere else, do something else, be someone else and leave everything else beihnd, your life, your memories, all the crap that just piles up till you just can't take it anymore? if so, what's that like? Ha! I can't say that I have. My life is by no means perfect, quite to the contrary, I suffer from a severely broken romantically challenged heart, I'm working at a job, that while it keeps a roof over my head and feeds me and keeps me in books, it is not my lifes ambition, my creative voice has all but abandoned me to the stark barren reality of a poem or two every now and then and a wondrous font of ideas which my muse refuses to help me write. I'm sure the list can be stretched to cover a mmultitude of other things, but depression is not the state of mind one needs to have before they go to bed. But truth be told, there is so much that i would hate to have missed. have you ever loved someone with such a passion that she defines what love is to you, that your very ideals of what love is really has its foundation in loving this person. So many things, so many places so many images and sounds and songs and thoughts and words and ideas, all of them entail her. I was riding home with my mother as she was watching my nephew and we went by the church where she was married and all I could do is look at that red brick building and I could see and hear every word she said, I can picture her, in her dress, I can hear her say her vows and I can hear me saying her vows to her. I remember my tears, I could hardly breathe. I remember shaking his hand and congratulating him, when all I wanted to do was to curse his name. I want to say I am perfectly content to be without her right now, that I am happy being without her, insofar that, I really could care less if I ever fall in love again. I don't feel it in my heart. I haven't for a long time. I am not looking for it. I don't want it. There is one person that I want and that is all. All the world could push me away from her, all the world could be in wonder that I love her still, but all the world does not know my heart, all the world does not know my passion, all the world does not love like I love. Nobody understands, everybody expects me to drop this and begin anew, to start over. Its funny I don't want to try and love somebody else because I never had to try and love her. Not once. I never had to think, hmmm, do I like her. I never had to question my heart. I remember seeing her and feeling it. I won't deny I was afraid. I had never felt this before in my life. Crushes, sure, but not THIS. I was enamoured and scared, frightened to death that i was not that love for her. I can still say i am frightened. I don't know if I am the love for her. But I know she is the love for me. Nobody understands. And people try to push me and prod me and tell me it isn't so. Wake up everybody, this is my life! My favorite part in the theme song to the movie titanic My Heart Will Go On, is the line "...love was when I loved you...." that sums it up for me. Call me hopeless, call me pathetic, call me whatever you want, but in the end, its my life, my heart and my love. so there you have it. Or at least there I have it.
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