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�FRIENDS:
Derek
Wade
Paige
Jessica

�QUOTE:

People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world. - Calvin


Catharsis:
1 : PURGATION
2 a : purification or purgation of the emotions (as pity and fear) primarily through art b : a purification or purgation that brings about spiritual renewal or release from tension
3 : elimination of a complex by bringing it to consciousness and affording it expression

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2001-05-24 - 9:33 a.m.
Curse you, you piece of gateway crap. May the cow that created that littel box design come a placea cow pattie on your circuit boards. Okay so maybe it was my idiocy that cause me to lose that entry just now, but I would rather there be a pile of cow manure on my computer, (maybe not the circuit board) than on me.

now where was I.

For some reason my mother is under the impression that I have a roommate. Where she got this idea is a bit baffling, as I look around and indeed, I don't have a roommate. But she seems to think that I do and is telling my family members that I am living with someone. Boy sometimes it would be nice to think I live the life I'm supposedly living. I imagine it would be a lot more fun. i was going to say interesting, but the life I've had for the last 6 months has been anything but dull. It has been probably the most different existence I have had ever. And its been good. A bit trying at times, a bit overpowering sometimes, leaving me in need of some serious INFP time, but overall its been good. its almost like I have 6 roommates. Except they all have to sleep somewhere else most of the time. Which is good cuz having bodies strewn all over the place leaves the place a bit cramped. Not that I don't mind them here, quite to the contrary they're always welcome. Its just cramped when they're all here. But I got plenty of room. And as soon as my brother comes and gets the dining room table that I've used all of 5 times (maybe) in the last two years, I'll have room for a nice "lean back and enjoy life like it was meant to be" lazyboy chair.

it makes me understand Wade's feeling over the last couple of days of missing his friends so much. They fill your life, they grow in your heart; when you're with them, they make you who you are and make you more than who you are. I might have said before that I've never had best friends before. All my brothers had best friends. I can name them or at least picture them in my minds eye. As far back as I can remember, I see them with their best friends. But I never did. And part of it was because we moved every year and I have attachment issues. I really do. My father was in the military and was constantly not there. my mother, when I was younger, was very distant, so much so, that it was nothing for me to run away from home. (Albeit with my brother, but I couldn't imagine that she would have been upset about it) And I feel that way now sometimes, not with my mother, because we have gotten so much closer now, but with my friends. Sometimes I feel that if I weren't there anymore, it wouldn't matter so much to them. Life is such that people change, people move on, life changes, new people come and go all teh time. I hate that about life. It makes me wish I lived in the small town america where everybody knows everybody, where friends have been friends for life, and you know who your enemy is. its idealistic, its anachronistic, its yesterday, the yesterday of my parents and grandparent. But it is so much of what i wish life was like. But its not. And I don't like it. I hate it that all my brother's best friends, aren't anymore. I hate it that one day something can happen, something small and petty, and it becomes make or break in friendship. The first time this idea occurred to me was about 6 years ago. A friend, okay Mel was getting married. Her best friend since elementary school was going to be her maid of honor. BEST FRIENDS since the thrid grade if I recall correctly. went to jr high, high school, college together. Lived together. Share their whole lives together and bippity boppity boo a week before the wedding her best friend was not her best friend anymore. Now they never speak, they don't even know the slightest detail about each others lives, they can;t share their childrens lives together. And if their is a wrongness in this world, then this is it.

And I guess its better to go cold turkey. Let this be the last I ever see of you. But it would kill me. It really would I think if my friend, who knew my very heart, my very thoughts, this person who could finish my sentences and know what I was thinking with a look, who with a word could lift me up and make me soar, who with a look of disappointment could destroy my day, if they were gone, I would die inside. I may not look it, but I am a fragile person, I'm a big bawl baby, have been since my crib days, ask my mother. I feel more than anyone should. It makes me ache, it makes me yearn, it makes me sigh, it makes me wish, hope, and dream, it makes me. The funny thing is that last sentence describes us all, in degrees of course, but that's all of us. We all wish for the perfect friendships, for the perfect life, for that thing just beyond our reach.

I've been on a friendship kick lately, with my diaryland. its been on my mind alot, apparently. Its been on the mind of all the friends I hang out with. Its been a long week with some of them not talking, some of them mad, some of them angry, some of them trying to cope with the separation. And circumstances are such that two of tehm really do hate each other. And it bothers me.

When you think of friendship, what do you think of. If you could write a list write now and tell me what friendship is or what it means to you, I'm curious how many of you would mention nothing but good stuff. I'm thinking everybody. I know I would. But the truth of the matter is, friends get mad at each other, friends fight, friends bitch and yell, disppoint and friends can treat their friends worse than anybody else on the planet. And its not because they hate each other, quite to the contrary its because they love each other. A platonic friendship is about as interesting as the barcode on the back of a can of green beans. Yeah you might wonder what each of those little lines mean and how that little scanner reads, that indeed it is a can of Del Monte fresh cut green beans, but after that, the interest tends to go to the wayside. But real friends get to fight and yell and still be friends. Because as much as friendship is about how much you are alike, its also about how much you aren't. its a give and take. Life is made of give and take. Love and hate, strong and weak, good and bad, right and wrong, black and white.

my friends love each other (give) but hate some of the things they do (take) they support each other in their times of need (give) and when they do something that think is wrong or stupid or idotic they howl at the moon and everythin else in the vicinity. (take)

You know one of these days I am going to do an entry that just spells everything out, with names and dates and blood types and who said what and to whom and who would like to do what to whom and man is that entry gonna kick some ass. But until then you'll just have to read between the lines and know that my friends have really made my life interesting of late.

thanks guys. really.

neurosis ~ catharsis