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People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world. - Calvin


Catharsis:
1 : PURGATION
2 a : purification or purgation of the emotions (as pity and fear) primarily through art b : a purification or purgation that brings about spiritual renewal or release from tension
3 : elimination of a complex by bringing it to consciousness and affording it expression

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2001-05-26 - 9:34 p.m.
This is one of those self absorbed entries. You know the kind that seldom prove to be insightful for anyone but me. I know I know, how dare he write about himself in his own diary. the audacity!

Sometimes you have to ask yourself, just what am I here for? Really. What? Am I to do things that other people think I should do, am i to act the way otehr people think i should act, am i to feel what other people expect me to act? Who am i supposed to be true to? Me or everybody else? Well I'm of the firm belief that in the end there are but two people that I have to answer to. God and me. Both of us know my heart and mind and soul truly, and even I don't know it all. I'm just learning as I go, He already knows. Everybody else is superfluous to my existence. There are people with whom I will want to share my heart and soul; who I am, who I want to be, my dreams wishes and hopes and all that i am. These are my friends who i will give my loyalty to, who because they are my friends and i have given them my friendship, they get my honesty and my all that i can share. I admit quickly and easily I am not the most forthwith of people concerning myself. i am often times an enigma. I know it is true. I wish it weren't true. I know it is something that i need to work on. And I have been this last year or so. I have to. I have goals and dreams that i want to come true, and if they are to be achieved i can't remain the person that I was. I have to change, to metamorph into a more ideal person. It sounds silly to say that. Not to sound like a braggart or anything, I know I am a good person. people tend to like me, to listen to me, to, I don't want to say look up to me, but most of the people I know have some regard for me. It is a wonderful feeling. I don't take to it too well. I feel it is misplaced. I have self assurance issues. And truly this is a problem to, not so much doubt my abilities, but to view them as neglible.

Anyway, I have to be here for me, first and foremost. As we all should be. its important to surround yourself with wonderful people who you care for and who care for you, but none of them will make you care for yourself. That is our own job. I care for myself deeply. I am one of my favorite people. I love who I am. I am proud of the person that I have grown into. I just want to continue to grow, to be more ,to do more ,to strive and to achieve. Not for anyone or anything, but for me. And all those I know can reap the benefits of it too.

I've had to step back these last few days and ask a couple of questions of myself. Not those deep probing questions that have revelations that are life changing, but questions all the same.

I'm beginning to question the whole notion of honesty is the best policy. i would like to think that it is. I do believe it in my heart. But I also believe that sometimes in some instances, the turth can be more painful that a white lie. and if not a white lie, then the proverbial lie of omission. Don't say anything about it and maybe it will just go away. I read diaries where people say things, trying to be cryptic, trying to say something without saying it and I admit i have tried the technique myself. Sometimes it seems to no avail. So I figure a little straightfoward talk is appropriate here

I am not looking for a relationship. I haven't for a long time. I don't see myself looking for a relationship any time in the future. Its not that i want to spend the rest of my life alone. No that is not it at all. Quite to the contrary I want to spend my life with someone. Unfortunately at the moment she is unavailable. Whether she will be available ever remains in question. But you know what, that is alright with me. What is not alright with me is people thinking that A) i am wasting my life. B) my heart and love is misdirected to someone who isn't worthy of my love C) people who think that I would be perfect with this person or that person. D) people who think just because I am not with someone that i am either a cold heartless person, gay, or secretly in love with someone and don't have the balls to say anything about it.... first I am not a cold heartless person. I have a heart my body temperature remains at 98.6 degrees almost all the time. i am not gay, but I have plenty of friends who are, and finally yes I am in love with someone, she knows I am in love with her, I have mentioned it on several occasion, but such is life sometimes.

Its funny that my life isn't so much mine when other people talk or think about it. Last time I checked, i get to wake up in this body everyday, i have to wash it and look in the mirror at it everyday, i have to pay for my haircuts clothes, deoderant (thank goodness) and tuck myself in at night. Yup, its my life, everyday, from now until my dying breath. Please don't think otherwise. Don't think I can be swayed to believe otherwise. I get to hang out with my friends and do whatever I want to do. because they are my friends, the people that i care about. And while some of them tend to be a bit fractious at times, they may think that they are the only ones hurt in a situation, or right in asituatioin. they may know the skinny on whatever happens to be going down. they may be leaving people in the dark about how they feel about something or someone. But I love them too. I admit when I first started hanging out with them, I was a bit leary, I mean my goodness, wackypackme for goodness sakes. I didn't think it would last, but it has transformed itself. I know I am older than them and at times I'll be the first to admit, you wouldn't know it, i can be a bit juvenile, but they have grown on me. They have made me have fun. Not made but helped me to have fun. i wish they were still having fun with each other. I hate it that they aren't all talking.

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I am not going to talk anymore about that. It is bad on my heart to dwell. I'll start to playing sad songs and then I'll mosey out on the patio and look up at hte stars and the moon,hanging there like it is, a sliver of white against teh black felt sky and out there, under a sky so bewildering and simple I have to ask why. And i don't want to start a conversation with the stars. They aren't very good at conversation. And neither am I, so its just a why..........?

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My day today was rather uneventful. I went to work. Had a semidecent day. didn't have to wrok a full shift cuz i was over hours and couldn't. then Tim, my youngest b rother showed up and i went with them, Keegan, Layton and Renee to the jewelry store to have some work done on a ring,. Then we came home where we waited for mom to come so we could go eat. The idea of watching a movie came and went as they had gone to teh zoo earlier and thought they might want to see a movie but as the evening progressed they got tired. And then they went home, mom and I talked a bit, and then she went home i came in here started thi entry and next thing you know nearly an hour has gone by and a conversation with Wade and the completion of this entry. Sometimes I can be a bit long winded and say practically nothing. Just a lot on introspection which gets skipped over real quick for juicy parts or particular peoples names. Sigh. I'm just skimmed. Anyway its been a while since I've asked for gratuitous feedback but here's your chance to tell me how boring I was. I can take it. I'm a man. If anything else just say hi and leave your diaryland url so that I can go read about you. Go on, just click that link! How gratuitous is that? hehe.

I'll talk to you later. have a nice day evening life or what have you. Read me later.

neurosis ~ catharsis