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hmmmmmm
2001-07-14 - 11:33 a.m. you know I must be a terrible person. My step mother passed away this morning. I just got the phone call. They tried to call here, I didn't recognize the caller id, they didn't leave a message. SO they called my work, or rather my aunt did and left a message and they called me. I'm not sad. I mean I feel for my father. He must have loved her. Or had an affection for her. I did not. I never have. She never did anything overt to me to make me dislike her. Except maybe marry my dad. And that wasn't to me. It was to him. She wasn't the nicest of ladies. When they were married, we, the children weren't even considered. For the first year of their marriage I lived with them. They lived over in the old apartments where Jess used to live. We moved there when they were first built. She sent my brother to go live down in Greenville because he was too rebellious for her. They pretty much hated each other. Maybe not hate, but they had to tolerate each other. I got along with everybody. But her, I got along with her the least. Over the last 10 years I have probably seen my dad a total of 5 times. Her, certainly less. 2 maybe 3 times. I have no feeling of loss whatsoever. I didn't lose her. My dad did. But they were not the happiest of couples. He'd moved once. I don't know. What am I supposed to feel. I moved away from my dad's and to my mothers because in my senior year I was like sick, like on death's door sick and they wouldn't take me to the doctor. I finally called my mom and she took me and they told me it was good that I came when I did. It was very close. My mom thought that I should live with her. So I told my dad. When I went over to pick up my stuff, my stepmother wouldn't let me in, she just brought all my stuff to the door and left it outside and closed the door on me. That was that. That was 15 years ago. since then, 5 times, maybe. I can;t get ahold of any of my brothers. Ben just moved into James' house. James just moved to Kentucky. and Tim lives out by Weatherford. I had all their numbers until when TIm was over here and keegan erased all my caller id numbers. so I have no numbers. I can't find my palm pilot to get Tim's number. I'm supposed to be sad right now. I'm supposed to be sorry that she's gone. I don't think my dad likes to be alone. After my mom and dad were divorced he was very upset. I think. It was her idea, the divorce. After awhile he got over it. But he remarried. That lasted almost a year. 8th grade. Lived in Alvarado in a mobile home. Got to dig the ditch to run the electrical wiring and the sewer pipes. missed the first two weeks of school too. We were known as the Germans when we started school because we were born in Germany. It was an odd bit of celebrity. Alvarado was pretty tiny back then. k- 8th grade shared the same yearbook. and it was a tiny yearbook still. I don't feel anything inside right now. I'm not mourning. When they called from work, she told me she had a bit of bad news. and she told me and she said she was sorry and I said thanks. She was married to him longer than my mother was married to him. I can't even take off work. Martha had to go to Houston for a managers meeting. MS Baker is going to New Orleans. Is it wrong that I am actually looking forward to work, the same work I was dreading just an hour and a half ago. I can just immerse myself in it and not worry about this. I don't know how to approach my dad about this. And I know he will be hurting. I don't even know what to say. Or how to act. Or what to think. Or what to feel. I'm confused...... |
