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People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world. - Calvin


Catharsis:
1 : PURGATION
2 a : purification or purgation of the emotions (as pity and fear) primarily through art b : a purification or purgation that brings about spiritual renewal or release from tension
3 : elimination of a complex by bringing it to consciousness and affording it expression

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Tuesday, Oct. 16, 2001 - 9:21 A.M.
About a month ago, probably a bit longer I cleaned out my closet. I threw away so much crap and detritus that you'd think I was moving or something. But cleaned out that closet I did. One of the things I threw away were all of her letters. It wasn't something I wanted to do, as a matter of fact twice or three times I took them back out of the box and started to put them back into the closet in a nice little corner, but then I stopped and looked at them, read a few, felt that feeling you feel when you have to do something that you don't want to, and then went ahead and put them back in the box. The next step was to carry these boxes out of to the dumpster. it wasn't so hard to just toss the boxes in only because I didn't know which box the letters and cards were in. So I threw them away and haven't really missed them much. Except this morning I was straightening my room and came upon some printed e-mail correspondence from her and now I want them all back, all those letters, the sad ones, the happy ones, the ones expressing my love or my sorrow all the ones I wrote but never sent, and her responses, her wishes and hopes and dreams and everything that we were back then. All I know right now is that I don't love her like I used to, I don't think of her constantly, those sad songs, as they say, don't send me back. When I see her its all back again, I know that much is true. I feel it like I feel the warmth of a fire or the cold wind, and it takes a few days for it to subside, for my smile to fade, for my heart to slow back down again. But I don't long for her all the time anymore. Which is good, I suppose. Course, now, I don't long for anyone. And that's just fine with me too. I have this life I have to live and I suppose I may find Her, whoever she may be, and when I do, I will welcome back those old feelings. You'd think I would be lonely. In my creative writing class, we were talking about loneliness and the desperation of it, the need to be with other people and lately I've not felt that. I have some wonderful friends, be they those longtime friends who have been around so long, they're family, or the new ones who have just recently come into my life and who fill my days with the joy and laughter that is life all around me. Its hard for me to tell people I love them. Its hard for me to put myself in a vulnerable position because I don't want to get hurt. Its irrational of course but it still holds this emotionally draining power over me, because there is a chance that tomorrow, they'll be going away somewhere else, they'll be gone and I'll have to let them go and part of me will die. It's life. A part of life that I hate more than almost anything, the letting go, the saying goodbye, the having to lean on the memories and hope that they are enough. Because memories fade from mind, images fade from memories and lets face it,I'm not getting any younger here, am I.

(I don't know if I like this new and improved, more personal and internal diary or not.)

Yesterday was a pretty monotonous day. I mean it wasn't a bad day, not a great day by any means, but mundane, it was that. I really didn't do much at all. I got up fairly early for no apparent reason played on the computer for awhile, went to class and read poetry, pondered life, came back home where I half hearted pulled out Halloween decorations and just did nothing. I read a book, big surprise there, drank some ice tea, I really like ice tea, watched the special Third Watch, went and had Starbuck's a Tazoberry that had no side effects, it was eerie, came home, went to the grocery store for some cranberry juice, made wade a cosmopolitan and sat and talked till about 1:30, okay he talked till 1:30. We were supposed to go to the gym, but I wasn't really in the mood and I figured, make him that cosmopolitan and he'll savor it for about an hour and then, damn it if it isn't too late. hmmmmm. Mwahahaha.

I'm getting my hair cut today. Supposably having lunch with Wade too. I had contemplated doing laundry, I separated all the necessary items but now I just have piles of dirty laundry on the floor in my room. I lost the inspiration. not that one is easily inspired by laundry in the first place. I know I am not. Anyway. I guess I really don't have much else to say at the moment. which in and of itself may very well be a blessing in disguise. So you'll just have to read me later.

neurosis ~ catharsis