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uh oh another friendship diatribe
Sunday, Nov. 04, 2001 - 9:29 A.M. the last couple of days have been a bit perplexing I guess. I mean Halloween a year ago I started writing an online diary over at diaryland and then here and well looking back through it all from entry number one where I am starting it and talking about buying candy for the two trick and or treaters that would eventually come to my door to my last entry it seems that nothing has really change. I have made a few new friends, several of whom I truly enjoy being with. I've encounter a few people who leave me completely ambivalent whether they are there or not. I think since that first entry I have fallen out of love and it leaves me wondering why I would want to fall in ever again. Since the first entry I have come to question the boundaries of friendship and what it is supposed to mean, what one must do and be to truly be a friend to someone and not just someone you know. most of the people I hang out with now I've known less than a year and some of them, I want nothing more than to know them more. because they are unique people, individual unto themselves, with their own quirks and idiosyncrasies (sp) that intrigue and interest me in them for who they are, why they are the way they are, who they want to be and how they want to live. I suppose its like that with all of them, but a few of them, my time is their time. an opportunity to spend time with them is indeed an opportunity to know them more. I don't know if that makes sense. I don't know if people see and feel that way about me. I'm pretty straight forward, the only thing I don't share readily are my thoughts. Everything else, what I say and do, for the most part is how I feel and believe. And I'm sure that its that way with them too, but....I don't know. I seem to be wandering down this little road with nothing to say. Its the friendship thing. SOme of my friends I am content with the friendship that I have with them, as I believe they are content with the friendship they have with me. Some however, I want to know them more, understand them more. I don't know if its the same with them. I don't know the strength of their desire for Friendship is as strong. I think some people question my friendship because of how I act and behave with them not believing that my behavior is a reaction to their actions. If its genuine friendship they want, its pretty straight forward and obvious to me. If on the other hand it is something altogether different, if I am just "a better friend to someone than someone else" someone's supposed "lapdog" then I have to wonder how strong that friendship would be in that person's eyes if they believe what is said. Over the last couple of months I've been called a pawn, a lapdog, my friendship has been in question, and in these instances I wonder why the people who believe this are my friends. I wonder is this some sort of race, some sort of game and the person with the most "friends" at the end is the winner. I don't want any fair weather friends. People change. I haven't been part of much of the history between most of these friends. I know there was a lot of hurt, there is anger, resentment, jealousy, a sense of one upmanship....it sort of takes away from my whole idea of what friendship is supposed to be. No one wants to let go of the past. everyone is measuring everyone with what they did in the past. there is no trust. This entry has sort of depressed me now. I'm gonna go to work. I knew I should have waited to update |
