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1 : PURGATION
2 a : purification or purgation of the emotions (as pity and fear) primarily through art b : a purification or purgation that brings about spiritual renewal or release from tension
3 : elimination of a complex by bringing it to consciousness and affording it expression

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2000-11-01 - 01:13:04
so Halloween, that ever present holiday on this day, was something of a bust. But I guess you make it what you want to. And while I did go out of my way to provide the refreshments for whatever little elfin might make an appearance, the place to be on Halloween is apparently the Mall. IS that frightening or what. Like everyone isn;t there enough as it is. Before you know it, they'll have a communal christmas tree and ....oh wait a minute. they have that already.

Holidays are way too commerical. But I shouldn't b e surprised. Some holidays are just commercial. I mean take Valentine's Day. I mean what is it really. Buy something special for the love of your life. I'm not saying buying something for her is the wrong thing, but to have a day specifically allocated. Course I am the first to want to buy that card, those flowers, that candlelit dinner, but I can still be disgusted with corporate america, can't I.

Well waatching Buffy the Vampire slayer was something ofa bust too. I mean they were reruns. Halloween event my ass. I watched anyway. or at least in between the rush of trick or treaters (2 people who came at the same time) and reading other peoples diaries prying into the private lives of all these diarists.

Not as exciting at it sounds. But alot of you are terribly interesting people. really. I mean it. I won't go into details but I laughed outloud at some of the things you wrote. And others touched me, saying things in the simplest purest forms and saying just what needed to be said. it communicated all that was there is so few words. I can't say as I've been stuck with that blessing today. I've not said anything straightforward all day. Just a bunch of ramblings. But count your blessings. Cuz who knows how long i'll continue with this diary. hopefully this will be the one that lasts.

Well i'm talking to my friend Carolyn on the telephone. Once upon a time she had a HUGE crush on me. I however was smitten with a young lady who still has my heart. At the time I was stupid enough to act like a complete oaf and ruined everything. I won't go into the whole sordid story now, but remind me to tell you just how sad things have turned out for me and my lonely heart band. Wait a minute, I don't have no band. but lonely heart sounds appropriate. Its sort a sad too. Cuz 99% of it is my fault. that whole fear of intimacy and commitment crap.

Anyway long story short I was talking to her on the telephone just now and she was asking me whether or not she should throw away the meg Ryan pcitures she has from a long time ago. In case you're wondering Meg Ryan is probably the most beautiful woman on the planet. Dennis Quaid, you missed out buddy! unless they're back together, and then....count your blessings Dennis. you're lucky to have her.

Okay where was I. Was i anywhere in particular. No I don't think so.

I feel something about me, something deep and penetrating, something that might some up in just af ew words one of the things that most describes me. Peanut Butter and jelly sandwiches. There you go. That is part of my essense. No idon't smell like peanut Butter and jelly sandwiches, but they have to be one of the most important pieces of my food pyramid. Which by the way within the last 5 years has been turned up side down. Apparently all this time they have been saying we need all this carbohydrate stuff and in actuality we are now the money machines of a million diet gurus telling how wrong we have been eating. And Oprah certainly hasn't helped that along at all.

Anyway. Peanut Butter and jelly Sandwiches. need i say more. those words alone have connotations that if you close your eyes, some of you don't have to, as you have strong imaginations and can visualize with your eyes open, me I'm teh close your eyes type of person. Certain things come to mind when I hear PB&J. Yes besides the big glob of peanut butter threatening to drop from the backside of the sandwich as I take my first bite. Oh you can taste that creamy JIF (it has to be JIF, by the way) Anything less is just not right. And creamy. I can sometimes enjoy the crunchy, but I prefer creamy.

YOu think PB&J and you have to think, maturity issues. Well yes. I am a bit young for my age. I think of it as my inner child has a firm control over what is going on in my life, right now. besides who wants to grow up. I mean its bad enough that we h ave to grow older every year, we have to get responsible jobs an behave all the time, but who says we have to like it. My inner child is just rebelling against it all. I like riding a bike in the rain. Playing in the mud. building dams on the creek. throwing people in hte swimming pool. Eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. if i could, I'd eat it everyday. Course then the wonder of it all wears away. And we don't want that. its like looking back fondly on memories of Summer. Like a Country Time lemonade commercial.

Speaking of commercials. One of my favorite commercial in all the world, are those cotton commercials. And the tune that goes along the eToys.com commercials. I love that tune. Do you know the name of it. If so, tell me.

I'm all over the place tongiht. It could be the astounding amount of Dr Pepper I consumed today. I think my eyes are turning brown. and its not because I am so full of shit either. its the Dr pepper I tell ya.

Was i talking about Peanut Butter earlier. oh well.

Well I am going to check out the chat room and see if its gotten any livelier since I last was there.

talk to you soon.

On occasion I will eave you with one of my attempts at poetry and or share a short story or something. I pretend that i am a writer at times. and technically as I am writing this journal its true. Fortunately for you, there is nothing poetic or story like at the end of this journal, just me bidding you adieu. you know technically that mean to God, I wonder why that is. same as in Spanish. adios to God. but I can think of no better way of leaving things that to leave you in Gods hands.

Now I am on a tangent here. Itried to leave. But as I might have mentioned earlier in this entry, Iread several of your journals while I was online and one in particular mentioned something about not liking Christians. I can understand that perspective only in the sense that in my eyes christian means "christ like" and so many christians today are not Christ like at all. it saddens me really. I am not here to judge or cast blame or seek the upper hand over anyone. there is no higher road that we,any of us can travel while we are here on earth. No matter how high we think we are perched, in the eyes of god we are all on even ground. becasue we all fall short of the glory of god. Whom am i to say anyone is worse than me. I can think of all the sin I have done today and know that my sin is no greater or worse than any other sin in the eyes of God. All sin is equal. we as people put the weight of sin as worse or better.

I can't honestly get into a religious debate with anyone, because i don't have the biblical grounding to say whether or not I am right. God didn't come to me and say it as I have said it here.

Just know, those of you who encounter this and see me as a christian, see me as a christian who strives to be Christ-like.

okay. tangent over.

adieu, adios, to God

neurosis ~ catharsis