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2001-02-07 - 00:25:09 Introverted iNtuitive Feeling Perceiver Such is my life according the the meyers-brigg/keirsey temperament sorter type exams. Anyway a little insight into who I am personality wise. DId the bowling thing tonight and actually DID the bowling thing. I was bound and determined to make her plead with me to go after the last time where we ended up sitting at hte apartment all night long. It wasn't a bad night, but I have many that were better in which I did nothing at all. I don't know. It really all has to do with personality. YOu be happy ot know that I won all three games of bowling. Well okay happy isn't the word. I would say impressed but when you win with a 98, 95, and a 118 it only proves that my God but we suck at bowling. I just sucked the least I guess. My bowling porwess, or lack there of was of a much better quality. Tuesday nights are $2 nights for the games and the shoes so there thinking of making it a routine. I refuse to call it a ritual. Its not a ritual. Tell me you agree with that. Not you, you can't agree cuz well you are in the wrong. But the rest of you, its not aritual, is it? I talked to Mel. Course the one night that I talk to her for like forever, and it feels like forever, is the one night that I tell Jenni, that I will go bowling. I should have stuck to my guns. But truth be told I would have been depressed as hell afterwards having to say goodnight and not know when the next time I would get to see her. And how sad is it that i look so forward to seeing her online. Granted the last time I saw her in person, well its been months and months. And then she brought a friend along. And now just thinking about it, well it depresses me a little to think that I am alone. It depresses me even more when i told her I was going out bowling and she says that she hopes its with a girlfriend. And then follows it up in parentheses that she doesn't really. I am an odd duck. I could care less about the rest of the world. i could really care less about falling in love with anyone. I could care less about meeting anyone new. All I want is what I can't have. And when I don't think about it, too often, I wonder how much i want that. I look out there in the world, (knowing full well that I make my world what it is and not hte other way around) but I see so much bullshit, so much self centered me me me crap and reading all these diaries very few of them are about whatever relationship they are in, most of them, 95% are about that one person and how it is affecting them. I've read one that really really seems to say something about the importance of the self and the importance of the relationship and about balance between the two and this person seems like the most sane person in the world right now. And the sad thing is, in this world and even in me, I would find fault in this person because of the things the person does in their life. I am caught up in this idea of right and wrong, what I see as right and wrong and my personal certainty of its rightness and wrongness. It bothers me to the extent that in my faith, God would see this person's life as sinful and if I were to tell people about this person, they would immediately decry this person an abomination. And what bothers me is that part of me would agree. Then I struggle with the idea that who am I to say this person is living a worse life than me. For God and God alone is the judge of our lives and how we live it. We who live in our glass houses, casting our stones and shattering all the glass around us. God knows my struggles he knew my struggles long before I ever existed palpably as my life existed in his omniscient memory from the dawn of creation. Every sin, every prayer every action I did or do is known by God. What bothers me is i don't want to condemn people outright for my perceived ideas of there unrighteousness, their sin, when as He knows me, He knows them too and knew them. All sin is equal in the eyes of God and we are all saved in our acceptance of Him, Jesus, as our savior. You can't just say the words, but you have to believe them, to know them, to have faith in them. What bothers me is I don't know all the answers or all the questions, I don't know anything. I don't even know me all that well. I don't want to speak this way cuz I know that there are a lot of people out there who are turned off by the notion of God. I don't want to sound pious or self righteous. I don't want to blather about the hell and damnation that awaits when all I want is for you to be saved. I was talking to Mel (as you recall) before I had to go bowling and we were having something of a theological discussion about about the earth being the domain of Satan and I went on to say that I am not under the domain of satan and she then says that i will find out soon enough and that she couldn't handle it if I were to spend eternity in hell. It took me aback. I have been saved now for almost 20 years, fervently believing in God and Jesus and all that He has given me. I pray everyday in my own way to him, thanking him asking for guidance, and the notion that i was going to spend eternity in hell scared the hell out of me. For a moment I thought where did I go wrong. Satan has no dominance over me. She then clarified it to be sin, and as we all sin and fall short of His glory, I understood her perspective. but the very thought, it scared me. Seriously. Funny thing about faith. Its not the faith in Him that really gets me sometimes, its my faith in me. My ability to be His child. I have to ground myself in the notion that he already knows me. All of me. And loves me still. He knows you too. that's the thing to know, he knows you too. Know him. have faith in him. The Lord is my shepherd, i shall not want. He knows me and even though I don;t have faith in me sometimes, he knows me and he will guide me. He will make me lie down, down in green pastures he leads me beside, quiet waters. Nothing like a psychological personality and theological entry. It all sounded good in my head and it seems a bit strained at the moment. I don't know if it makes sense. Someone scribble me a note and tell me what you think.
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