�stalk:
email
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�FRIENDS:
Derek
Wade
Paige
Jessica

�QUOTE:

People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world. - Calvin


Catharsis:
1 : PURGATION
2 a : purification or purgation of the emotions (as pity and fear) primarily through art b : a purification or purgation that brings about spiritual renewal or release from tension
3 : elimination of a complex by bringing it to consciousness and affording it expression

�SENSES:
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Wednesday, Jan. 23, 2002 - 10:56 A.M.
Are we ever satiisfied with the friends we have? Are we always looking for the upgrade? The better model? I mean, everyone is always looking for the ideal mate. Right? SOmeone who fits you perfectly. Why would it be so different for people to look for friends that way. Someone who knows and understands and relishes in your idiocyncrasies. Which makes me wonder when does a friendship become obsolete? When is a new friendship more desirable than the old. When is the point where being someone's friend doesn't mean as much as it once did. Does it mean we grow as people and that friendship has outgrown its usefulness. And if so, was that a friendship or just a stepping stone along the way to being better people. I hope that's not the case.

I've used this diaryland many many many times and my discourse has often been about and concerning friendships, what makes them, what breaks them, mine and everyone's around me. Truthfully it confuses me. The idea of bringing someone within your hearts perimeter, within your existence and letting them see in and doing the same with them and then letting them go is a hard thing to fathom. I don't do it well. but I relish my friends, those who become my friends. Those who cherish me as a friend bring me a sense of satisfaction that words fall short in describing. Their pain hurts me, their joy thrills me, their happiness fills my heart. My friends are a true part of me. So the idea of letting go, of upgrading, of searching out the better model confuses and baffles me.

This all may sound hypocritical. I mean to a degree. Because I believe you can't have too many friends. And if this is the case, then you are always on the look out for new friends. New people bring new dynamics to old friendships. We take from each friendship and build upon ourselves. We discover ourselves in the people we know and we change and grow.

A year ago I was not the person I am today. I don't think the way I did. I don't see things the way I did. And even now I am changing, growing, seeing, believeing, thinking differently. And that is because of my friends.

This must get monotonous after a while, doesn't it. Reading these short little diatribes about friendship.

Another aspect of hypocrisy that I might bring up is, that I feel that sometimes the words I say and my actions don't necessarily coincide. I mean I know people at the moment that a year ago were a lot closer to me than they are now. And there is a great deal of other stuff that goes into the mix that has made the friendship that I have with her much more difficult. I saw her the other day at school and I could see in her eyes the very same instability concerning our "friendship" that I feel. It was somewhat awkward. I don't like awkward. But I don't know if she still wants to be my friend. I mean I think she does, but both of us are being stubborn with a resolve that the other one is wrong. Not to mention she doesn't like my friend Wade Nor does she like my friend Derek, or so it would see. And she has had several opportunities to come over the last couple of months and chose to do other things with other people. So, its up in the air. I don't see a resolution, at the moment. And I feel a certain ambivalence that confuses me because I know how much friendships are important to me and I know that this isn't an idea or notion that I alone hold. Friiendships are important and dear to each of us. But what do you do, when you are here

neurosis ~ catharsis