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People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world. - Calvin


Catharsis:
1 : PURGATION
2 a : purification or purgation of the emotions (as pity and fear) primarily through art b : a purification or purgation that brings about spiritual renewal or release from tension
3 : elimination of a complex by bringing it to consciousness and affording it expression

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Monday, Jan. 28, 2002 - 10:50 A.M.
you know if you look at m&m's, the printing of that little m is not always perfect. How do I know this, well I have this jar of m&m's, currently sitting in my lap, taunting me with their chocolately goodness and I look in there and I see an F, and I'm thinking to my self, why is there an f my on m&m? and I pull it out and look at it and I notice that the first leg of my m didn't get printed and if you stand the m&m upright (its an almond m&m, so you can stand it upright) it looks like an F. So I went looking through my m&m and found one that almost looked like an n or a u if you will, and one that looked like a c and it occurred to me that if I found one that looked like a k, i would have adult m&m. It was like spelling curse words with Alphabet cereal when you were younger. Not that I ever did that. Or its like Scrabble. and the blank ones you can use as any letter you want. Anyway,I ate them for making me spell a curse word. I had no choice.

You know. . .I find it odd that I don't put too much of my own personal feelings in here. Occasionally some will break through and find themselves in print before you, but for the most part I don't. I'm pretty sure its because so many people I know read this and truth be told it frustrates me that I can't speak my mind. I mean its not that i don't want to, but instead I end up putting the monotony of my day in here as filler to all teh thoughts that ramble around in my head. its a given that i have another diary somewhere out there in the great beyond filled with all sorts of stuff,(kinda makes you curious, don't it?)

All my friends have diarylands or other internet diaries now, or at least almost all of them. The idea, the notion of keeping an online diary was too much to pass up I think. The first time I encountered them, I was completely infatuated with the idea and had them all over the place. Of my friends some of them are open to the public, some of them are not,(grrrr) some of them are and then aren't and then are again All of them are revelatory to the person writing them, giving special insight into that person, who they are, what they think and how they feel. Aside from my occasional diatribe on friendship and its value to me, I don't think mine is so revelatory as to who I am. I take for granted that the people reading them ,already know me. When the case may be that only a small portion of the readers who encounter this site, know me. (I'm think I have a big readership. ha!) And i know what you're thinking right now, that whole m&m anecdote gave much insight into my mind, well that is my attempt at levity. I've been sitting here thinking about this entry, what to put in it, what to say. I don't want to say anything that will hurt anyone. I don't want to broach subjects that are personal in nature to other people, because it is private to others. Its truly aggravating. So you end up getting m&m anecdotes and the monotony that is my day. I've been writing this entry for 44 minutes and this including what below this is all that you got. that below is my monotony.

Went and saw

"
The Count of Monte Cristo.

Derek, Wade, Paige, Jennifer (the talker) and Christan all saw it as well. The girls all seemed to enjoy it a great deal, Wade really liked it. Derek, didn't hate it, but whther he liked it or not, that is questionable. I think his mind was elsewhere during the movie.

Work was a long borish ordeal with Martha leading the boring charge. I tried to keep myself busy elsewhere and did quite a good job; cleaning the back room, taking out the trash, giving breaks down at the kiosk and running down the necesary supplies, and lunch of course took a large chunk out of it and the customers were helpful in keeping the normal cashwrap chatter to a minimum.

I should be reading English stuff right now as its due tomorrow. My hearts not in it though. But I figure I'll read part of it before I go to work and then the rest tonight after work and during Microbiology tomorrow morning if it proves to be a scintillating as I fear it might not be.

Okay enough of the monotony. I guess I should practice whatI preach, but writing this I feel a little stupid, like its going to be the conversation around the proverbial watering hole (like I'm that important) or that people are going to take from this something that isn't there and make it into something that its not.

WHere to start. I'll start with Jenni. Everyone is curious as to why we aren't talking. And I know I even ask myself this. And what it boils down to is thatI know that she liked me. And I know that she may not like me anymore, that there is a good chance that she doesn't like me much at all, but the main reason I have put this distance between us is that I didn't want her to like me. I didn't feel the same way about her as she did for me. And I know that aside from liking me, she was my friend too, but her actions and behavior were more directly from her feelings for me than from her friendship with me. And when i did something that was perfectly innocent it was taken the wrong way or was fuel for a fire that wasn't really even burning. And part of it has to do with her friendship or lack there of with Wade. I don't know their past together. I have heard all the stories and who did what and to whom is all a bunch of hooey as far as I'm concerned. But from the point where I cme into the picture, I saw a lot of anger and hate and talking behind back and I admit it was from both sides and once upon a time I tried to be Switzerland, neutral, but in the end it didn't work. I tried the proverbial peace treaty or truce. It didn't work. It wasn't the best of times for me. Take all of that, and the whole feelings and it seemed best at the time that a little space was necessary. I talked to her on the phone the other day at work, and she and I laughed like old times. She was all congested from going bowling and inhaling huges amounts of second hand cigarette smoke nd I of course made fun of her, and it really felt good to laugh with her. I liked her friendship. The only thing I am worried about if our friendship will continue is my friendship with Wade. Wade and I have become very good friends and while I can still piss him off and make him mad at me and Lord knows he can piss me off, our friendship is good and solid and I don't want my friendship belittled or him to be belittled because of their history. He is my friend now. So take that and run with it.

Hmm what else.

I hate being older than everybody I know, everybody I hang out with. Especially when on the inside I feel like I am their age. That i am still as young as they are. I am envious of their possibilities and their youth and want nothing more than to have it all back again.

Right now I am most envious of my friend Derek. I really am. I don't know why. He has a vitality that invigorates me and when I am with him, be it at work or anywhere, soemthing about him brings something inside me alive again. Like I'm invincible. I have more fun at work with him than i do with anyone. He appears strong and confident and straightforward and willing to do anything and everything to do or be whatever he wants. It puts people off a great deal but I envy that in him most of all. And I know part of that is a facade, I have told him as much, that there is a lot to him underneath this. I've had brief glimpses of this person underneath and these brief glimpses into what he thinks and feels are truly diamonds. I don't understand the strength behind my friendship with him, why I want to be his friend, why his friendship with me means so much. I don't want to say i look up to him ( aside from the fact that he is shorter than me) but to put words to what I am thinking, that would be the best thing to say. And I feel stupid for saying that. That I look up to him, that i envy him, that part of me even wants to be like him.

ahem.....

See these things affect other people. These things have the possibility of changing how people see me and think about me. They also have the possibility of being taken in ways that aren't what they are, that they are twisted into half truths and made up ideas of what I feel and think. But honesty is a good thing, right. honesty makes us stronger together. I don't like itthat people know these things about me, it makes me feel weaker. But I lost someone very dear to me quite a few years ago because i was afraid of the honesty and how it made me feel weaker. I don't wish to lose my friends because of it too.

THis lack of monotony was pretty good sutff and it only took me a total of 79 minutes to get it written down. Stayed tuned for more ....and read me later

neurosis ~ catharsis