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People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world. - Calvin


Catharsis:
1 : PURGATION
2 a : purification or purgation of the emotions (as pity and fear) primarily through art b : a purification or purgation that brings about spiritual renewal or release from tension
3 : elimination of a complex by bringing it to consciousness and affording it expression

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Friday, Feb. 08, 2002 - 9:27 A.M.
All the time I was growing up, I never really had a best friend. And up until just lately, this has never seemed to be a problem. But I would say in the last few years its been a bit of a problem. First off I feel like I am a bit too old to have the proverbial best friend. And secondly, everybody with whom I have wanted to be bestfriends with, well they already had a bestfriend. It was abit unnerving to feel as though you are putting yourself inside of a situation where you will always come second. I don't know if it was growing up and moving to a new place every year until the age of 12 or what. Which,you would think would be a legitmate reason, but my brothers never seemed to have thit problem. I'd like to think that this is the basis for whatever commitment issues I've had in the past are from too. I don't want to let people get too close to me nor did I want to get too close to others for fear of losing them.

In the last couple of years, and maybe more than likely in the last year, this has changed dramatically. I don't know why. I don't know what it is, but the change has made its appearance. Not to say that I don't have some very dear friends who have been around me for years and years and years and who hold such special places in my heart, but lately, just lately, I don't know. I'm a firm believer that guys need guy friends. They do. We do. I do. I have many female friends. And over the years they have fostered my need for friendship so wonderfully well, they have nurtured my heart and made me a not-your-average-guy, guy. Sometimes I wonder if this has been beneficial, because much of the time I feel somewhat alienated, comparing who I am to the rest of the male population and sometimes it seems as if I come up short.

I have trouble with those leap of faith issues too. You know what I am talking about, right? Those ideas in your head, that leave you asking, am I good enough. If it comes down to the wire, who will be standing next to me. And Why? What would make me deserve such devotion?

In English, we are reading Faust. And we are talking about the romantic epoch and the enlightenment and how the two epochs clash. And I sit here and think how I have my own clash of these two epochs going on inside of me. Heart or mind. Rational or Idealistic. Thought or Feeling. What I feel is right and what I "know" is right. Ration or passion. And it leaves me torn. Because my sources are different. My family, my friends, my religious ideology, my own personal faith and relationship with God. it all leaves me confused.

I don't like the idea of merely existing. Of merely getting by with what I have. Of life being what is given to me. Of late, my spirit has been wandering.

Broadening my horizons and experiencing everything that I can. Travelling has been such an eye opening experience for me. Not so much that I have exprienced more life or anything but rather it has made me want to experience even more.

Which leads me looking so forward to our great adventure that we are going on in March.

Derek, me, Wade and Paige and Adam are all supposed to go on an adventure to .....well an adventure. Its funny how it morphed from a short road trip to this most amazing trip. Maybe I am blowing things out of proportion but I am so looking forward to it. It's going to be so much fun.

I just bought 16 rolls of film and a photo album for the catolguing and remembrance of the fun we are going to have. It's gonna be fun, damn it, even if we have to kill each other to have it!

School was good. We had an exam in Counseling Theroy and Practice, and I have to tell you, that even though we've only been three times, I think I Aced it. If I didn't get an A, someone should just hand me the blindfold and the last cigarette. Granted I don't smoke, so it'll have to be a shot of grand marnier and a snickers bar, but you get the picture.

Then we had a quiz in English over Faust, which all in all I think I did okay.

And then Microbiology Lab was pure monotony. We review for our first Exam on Tuesday and then did nothing. And got to get out early.

Got home. Wade was supposed to have gone to New Orleans for Mardi Gras. But as it turned out it was not meant to be. So instead we went up to Walmart and Sams and I spent money cuz I had it. And then we came home to watch Friends and Derek came over and watched will and grace and stared at his laptop, (He's rather infatuated with his desktop) After, we, along with Paige, went to watch Mothman Prophecies, which was kinda weird, kinda cool. I want Mothman to visit me. But then, well something bad might happen, and we don't want that, do we? So no mothman for me. But still it was good, albeit a bit slow. Then it was home and to bed. Sleep precious sleep.

I realize aside from some individual sized Mounds bars, some chips and salsa, Ididn't eat yesterday at all. Usually during school days Derek and I go eat somewhere but we didn't yesterday. So everything under the sun, sounds good right now. Except for the Evil Vegetable Triumvirate. They never sound good....

Anyway, this entry is going on and on and on. I must stop it.

neurosis ~ catharsis