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People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world. - Calvin


Catharsis:
1 : PURGATION
2 a : purification or purgation of the emotions (as pity and fear) primarily through art b : a purification or purgation that brings about spiritual renewal or release from tension
3 : elimination of a complex by bringing it to consciousness and affording it expression

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Sunday, Feb. 10, 2002 - 4:52 A.M.
Tomorrow is another day. Actually in reality, today is another day. I'm not sleeping very well right now. For some reason. The wind is hawling a little bit, just outside the sliding glass door. I had the heater on while I lay on the couch and I dozed abit and woke up sweating a bit. Opened the back door and it was so hot and the heater was blowing so much the cold air wouldn't come inside. The heater cut off and I stood in front of the sliding glass window and the cold air just whooshed right past me. It was a sudden refreshing thing. Unfortunately, it woke me right up. There's nothing more invigorating than a blast of cold air. Course then you go and snuggle, (yes snoggle) under the down comforter and wait for sleep to take hold again.....I have to be back at work in 5 hours exactly according to the trusty cable box clock and I have to say it leaves me feeling cheated.

I am not looking forward to work at all. I don't work with anybody fun at all or competent for that matter which makes work that much more workfilled. And who likes a workfilled work day, raise your hands. Well you, you there, in the back, you're just a brown noser who should be shot. SHOT I say.

We finally broke down and told Wade where we were going. California. California, baby! WooHoo. Its going to be so cool. I've never been to California and part of me has always wanted to go. It is going to be so cool. I know it is. We're going to Los Angeles and to San Francisco. If hte powers that be are kind, its going to be me, Derek, Wade and (fingers crossed) Paige. Paige's parental units are not very easily convinced that its safe for a girl to go on a road trip with 3 boys. Which is ludicrous of course, but still, they're a conservative lot and how would it look. Some how we will have to convince them. its going to be awesome. I can't wait.

Do you ever feel like your at a crossroad. Like things and people happen in your life and you're left wondering, okay what am I supposed to do now.

You know, I was in love once. And it frightend me beyond all understanding. Here was someone who upon sight would light up my life, who with a word or a smile or a simple glance could make or break me. It confused me how I could feel bliss and fear at the same time, bliss that someone loved me, fear that one day, it would be over. It was an irrational fear i will grant you, a fear that kept me from doing what I know I should have, a fear that kept me aloneand more than likely resulted in the broken heart that followed. I think the worst thing I have ever witnessed was the day she got married. Because I knew that a I loved her and that somewhere along the way, she didn't love me anymore. I've held on to my love for her for a very long time. I really have. its been 6 years 4 months and 17 days since she was married. She has a beautiful, a most beautiful daughter, and what I would have given to be a part of that. The truth of the matter is that I won't be. I'll be on the outside looking in. Its been a long time since I've cried over her. And I almost did two night ago, I almost did. Because she did it again, forgot about me. its one of those slow realizations, that as much hope as you carry, reality is a bigger load. She doesn't love you. She doesn't love you. She doesn't love you. That slow realization was I'm not in love with her either. I know I love her. I love her. I do. But I don't think I am in lov with her any more. I wish it were true. I don't think it would take much for me not to fall again. But its been too long, and too much has happened, too many forgotten occasions, too many "dates";movies, dinners, theatre tickets or simpe meetings. I ask myself, just what is it that I did that was so horrible that I deserve to be hurt this many times. Ican't let her go. She is still probably my most dearest of friends. I love her to my core. But I am not in love with her. I realized that the other night too. I was sitting there, the cold of the night seeping through my bones on the way home, and thinking, again, why do this to me again. And I realize, I could never forget about someone I'm in love with. which lead me to, I can't be in love with someone who could forget about me, who couldn't be in love with me. Love yes, but be in love with, no.

So, how 'bout them apples. :(

besides, who knows what tomorrow will bring....the right person...

On another less than lighthearted note. Jen called me last night. Her father came into the bookstore the other night, I guess that was Friday, and while he has never been in the store before that I can recall, he was in and bought himself a magazine. I personally think he purposefully came in there to find out stuff. And he asked me if I had talked to his daughter lately and I said no. She has kind of went her own way lately and he asked me if I had heard about her moving out again and I said yes and he said how her mother Donna is torn up about it and i told him that it was with a boy that she liked from work and how I had heard that there's a possibility that he had a little drug problem. Some might of course think that I wascbeing vindictive and the truth of the matter is this, that when I was telling him, pointing out that it might very well be all made up, because while Michelle claims that she didn't tell Wade, I can't imagine where Wade would come up with something like that since we were never even permitted to meet this guy in the first place for fear that we would embarass her. So I doubt seriously Wade came up with it all on his own. So go figure. But anyway, the only reason I said it, is because I didn't want her to get her again. Anyway, she called and asked me about that last night and the only reason i told her father is because he should know. Its his daughter. I'm not any fine example of child/parental relationships myself, but if somebody's father ask me about something, you'll forgive me if I feel he should know. And if he gets to hear the rumors and half truths and so forth, well he is the one who decides what he does. But rest assured, nothing will come from me about whatever she does anymore. We'll just close the door on that. I don't care.

Did I tell you I was going to California? Yup, California. Anybody read this who lives in LA or San Francisco, sign my guestbook with things to do. Sincerely. Give us the good ideas.

(you people wo don't live in california can sign my guestbook too.)

There wass omething else I wanted to say. I read someone else's diary before I started reading this one and well it's stirred all this thought provoking stuff up and I'm sure I'll be brilliant, but right now I am getting sleepy and since I only have 3 hours of possible sleep ahead of me, I should try and get it. so tomorrow my poor, tired and happy readers, I shall fill you in tomorrow.

neurosis ~ catharsis