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�QUOTE:

People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world. - Calvin

Catharsis:
1 : PURGATION
2 a : purification or purgation of the emotions (as pity and fear) primarily through art b : a purification or purgation that brings about spiritual renewal or release from tension
3 : elimination of a complex by bringing it to consciousness and affording it expression

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cryptic huh?

Monday, Feb. 18, 2002 - 10:16 A.M.
Something's wrong. I don't know what. But you know that feeling you get, something in the back of your head, you can't quite grasp it, can't quite understand or find the words to describe it, well that's what it is.

I need to figure it out though cuz its starting to bother me. I have an idea, which is bad, because if it turns out to be what I think it is, then well, figuring it out is just the beginning. I have this feeling, I am not where I am supposed to be in my life. There is something missing, some necessary ingredient missing that I've looked past, that I've neglected, but at the moment is pushing on the inside of my head for a little recognition. I have this concept, this mind's eye image of who I'm supposed to be and while it is just an image, its not one that I want to strive for. I feel like someone has cut out a whole section of my life and hidden it away from me and occasionally I catch glimpses of it, mostly in the company of my friends. Sometimes that glimpse is a little overwhelming. Because that glimpse, that knowledge that its there just around the corner and all I need do is turn, and it and I will be face to face and ..... what am i going to do then. I can grab it and make it mine, make it me, or I can turn away because its a part of my life that I either don't want or can't have anymore. I don't know which of those it is.

I can make this about the fact that i am older than all of my friends, but its more than that. Because I don't feel older when I am with them. I am envious and covetous of their youth. I know that. And its a notion that is somewhat ludicrous because age is a state of mind. I truly believe this. But believing and reality often times are not the best of friends.

Its like wanting things you know are out of your reach. There's this basic barrier that you can't penetrate because in the end, there are things and situations which will never happen. I don't know if this is true, I hope against hope, that it isn't because hope is a great motivator, giving us a spirit of heart to strive for what can be. And "what can be" should never be out of our reach, but sometimes all you get are those glimpses. You think about it, you wonder about it, you see it in their eyes, you ponder its possibilities and the idea of having it can lift you up higher, but the notion that its behind one of those barriers, be it real or self imposed, leaves you wistful and melancholy. I think right now I'm not so high as feeling a bit melancholy.

Speaking of, its cold and gray outside. I don't much like cold and gray as it leaves me feeling a bit blah. And then I get to go to work. Which I can hope will be over quick and painlessly. But I am not working with anyone who will lift my spirits in the least. Maybe I can find a project that will keep my mind off this blase spirit that has infected me. You would think that writing this out would have freed something up, released it in some sort of cathartic fashion, alas it is still there, not so much in the back of my mind, but sort of front and center.

I have Britney songs stuck in my head. I need serious help.

But on a happier note.

20 Days Till California!!!!!

neurosis ~ catharsis