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The 4 Loves and what about Friendship
Wednesday, Mar. 20, 2002 - 9:08 A.M. I've had the hardest time these last couple of days trying to define my feelings for my friend Derek. Its hard to define a friendship in the first place. And one that is so strong, so quickly, it threw me for a loop because I didn't understand where all of the emotion was coming from. I've never had a friendship like this before. I've had friends. I've had good friends, I've never had a best friend. I have nothing to compare it to. I have no comparison. The idea that you can love a friend, to truly love a friend, is such a foreign concept. My life up to this point has been something of a revolving door when it comes to male friends. I have many female friends, well not many, but I have female friends whom I love a great deal. Loving them for who they are and knowing that the love is a love of friendship. But I've been "indoctrinated" that men don't love men. "That's wrong." Emotional attachment is supposed to stop at some invisible line that up to now has been apparent. (I'll stop right now and tell you that I need some serious counseling :) I almost had a severe meltdown on Monday night. I really did. I was talking to Wade and we were discussing Derek. And how I have an issue with the boy. And as the talk progressed one thing led to another up until we came to the conclusion that I love him. This freaked me out. It really freaked me out. I'm not suppose to love him. I'm not. How could I possibly love him. There is something about him, I'll admit. He is beautiful. He is charismatic. He is charming. He is all those things. He is closer to me than any guy friend I have ever had. But the notion, the idea that I loved him, threw me off balance. I was confused and scared and so frightened that at one point I shut down completely and I wouldn't talk to Wade and he left. The notion made me feel like my whole life was going to change. That everything would be different that what I was feeling was going to make everyone who knows me see me differently, see me in a bad light. Morning came and I didn't feel any better at all. The conversation continued through my head. I had gotten an IM from Derek during the middle of the night. He wasn't going to go to classes, but instead was going to go and look for a job (He got one). I was a little bit relieved. I went to bed after 2:00 almost 3:00 in the morning and was up by 6:00. My stomach was churning and I felt nauseated. This wasn't happening to me. I paced about the apartment for quite a while not knowing what I was going to do. I knew that I had to go to class, occupy my mind. Otherwise I was going to go stir crazy. SO I got up changed and went to school in this dreadfully gray and wet weather. it seemed apropos to say the least. I got to my first class early and sat there drinking a snapple and eating a Snickers bar. (I love snickers) In counseling theory we talked about Gestalt therapy. And one of the main tenants of Gestalt therapy is awareness. One must be aware to be psychologically healthy. An awareness of the environment around you, and that within you. Accept the moment, acceptance is very important. I was not very accepting, to say the least if the turmoil in my stomach was any guess as to what was going on inside of me. I heard the word love and it was enough to freak me out. Because I have this notion of what love is supposed to be. Love and Friendship, they don't go together I tell myself. They are completely different. They are two separate entities that aren't supposed to intermingle. (I'm assuming by now that you are reading this and you are saying, "what a big ol' freak." So you're seeing through my eyes.) After classes, (boring except for the insightful Gestalt theory and reading a bunch of Baudelaire in World Lit) I came home and went on the internet and by this point I was pondering the idea of friendship. So I did a little look around on the net, cuz it was there and I was there and I found some interesting stuff. Some enlightening possibilities. I was reading all these poems and saying and quotes concerning friendship and I was perplexed about the comingling of the words love and friendship. I was confused. As you recall, in my narrow little head, they don't go together. But here in front of me, they go together hand in hand. Friends can love one another. Friends can be as close to one another as humanly possible. They can be almost one person. The real friend is, as it were, another self. A friendship is one soul living in two bodies. I've had friends before. But I've never had a friendship that is described like this. Until now. I've never felt a kinship, a kindred spirit with someone like this. In previous entries, I've mentioned friendship on occasion :) Once in awhile an entry will come to the fore, and I will say that I love these guys. That I love them. And while what I said was true, I can honestly say I didn't know the extent of the words. I didn't realize that what I was saying was what I was saying. And I didn't connect what I was saying to what I was feeling. Cuz its friendship. Its not love. Its stupid really, coming to the realization that its one and the same. that they go hand in hand. The extent of which I never really realized. its terrible to come to this realization now. I've missed out on so much. Coming to the realization and accepting it. I've had a problem separting the ideas of Love and being in Love. two completely different concepts. I know the difference of course. Just reading the words, you read them differently. C.S. wrote a book called The 4 Loves. And in it he denotes teh 4 different loves acknowledged by the Greeks. Agape- Spritual love Over the last 15 years I have had too few friends that I would say that I loved. And I think the same could be said of me. I don't know too many people who have truly loved me for me, who have been true friends to me, knowing my flaws and quirks and shortcomings and still loved me for me. Not all of these people were IN love with me, but they loved me all the same. And that is it right there. You can love and not be in love. I love Derek. He is my best friend. When I came to this realization on Monday night, I thought I have to be in love with him. But I know that it wasn't in love, but love. I don't know if this explains everything that I was feeling Monday night or not. I don't know if I am searching depserately for something to explain what I feel. I don't know anything apparently. I know that I love the boy. And writing it still makes my stomach whirl abit, its foreign, its like something you are reaching for and you touch it with your fingertips but then its out of reach again. He's my best friend. I told him I felt like I was in third grade when i say that,it sounds so full of hope and vitality, best friends, but I love the waythe words sound, I love how they make me feel, I love the idea that finally, after all this time, I have a best friend. I worry its too late sometimes. Best Friends are a thing of youth, growing up you have your best friends, you learn the bond of friendship and they grow and wrap and protect you and you feel fortified and strong within those bonds. I never had them This is all new to me. This was 2 hours in composing and it feels as though I have just touched teh tip of the iceberg. But I have to go and get ready for work now. If you have read all the way through this and have some sort of insight, some swords of advice to guide me on this revelation, I would most appreciate you signing my guestbook or notebook or an email.i'll write more later.
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