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People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world. - Calvin


Catharsis:
1 : PURGATION
2 a : purification or purgation of the emotions (as pity and fear) primarily through art b : a purification or purgation that brings about spiritual renewal or release from tension
3 : elimination of a complex by bringing it to consciousness and affording it expression

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Thursday, Mar. 21, 2002 - 9:52 A.M.
life. the biggest bitch of all. Cuz no matter how hard we try, no matter what we do, in the end, she is going to do whatever teh hell we want. We are just along for the ride. And our decisions, our choices, our actions, are just the dips and curves and hills and valleys of this whacked out roller coaster. I don't know why I am doing an analogy right here. Sometimes I just want to step off the ride and watch it going zipping past me, the people in the front with their hands held high going down the giant steep slope, while teh ones in back grimace with the foreknowledge of what is coming.

Life isn't supposed to be insurmountable. We as people are supposed to be able to do and achieve and aspire to anything. There is nothing that should be standing in our way. Except there is. Fear, pride, anger,jealousy, hate, so many human emotions that are like bricks in this wall and we think we can over come them, and make them less concrete, less real, but in the end something happens, people get hurt, things get out of control and when we aren't looking, the work crew comes in and reinforces that wall. Its that much higher, that much more tangible. And the world on the other side, our hopes and dreams and wishes and loves, they are that much further away from us.

I wish there were answers. I wish I had all teh answers. I wish I could close my eyes and change things from what happened. You know what the surprising thing is. Everything that I am talking about, hinting about, touching lightly over, has nothing to do with me. I sat at home last night watching David Letterman and boring run of the mill late night television while my two best friends were supposed to be having an amazing time. And it started out that way, but ended with more pain and hurt and mistrust and I fear a finality that I can do nothing about. And all I can do is sit here and wonder what would have happened had I gone, what kind of outcome might I have been able to forge that would make today's blue sky and sunshine a truer sentiment than the storms that preceeded it. 24 hours ago cloud nine was below us, there was a sense of the impossible being possible.

Its surprising how credible I sound with but an hours sleep. My mind is ajar and all this profoundness seems to be creeping out. Except it may not be profound at all, it may be just jibberish that sounds profound. Who knows. I should go, I have classes and I shouldn't waste all this supposed intellectual insight on a diary entry. Perhaps I wil lbe fortunate enough to have an essay quiz. Ahhhh wouldn't that be grand.

neurosis ~ catharsis