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People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world. - Calvin


Catharsis:
1 : PURGATION
2 a : purification or purgation of the emotions (as pity and fear) primarily through art b : a purification or purgation that brings about spiritual renewal or release from tension
3 : elimination of a complex by bringing it to consciousness and affording it expression

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Friday, Mar. 22, 2002 - 9:07 A.M.
I have this fiery conconction of alcohol that I had in my flask that I was going to take with me to California. But since I wasn't the only onegoing to drink it I figure I could pour itinto another bottle and just put crown into it. So I did that, put the bottle of fiery liquid into the fridge and forgot all about it.

Yesterday, or rather last night I gotthat bottle out, picked up a tumbler and poured the whole of the bottle into the glass. I took a sip. Fiery as ever. Too fiery. I poured a shot of triple sec into it for good measure. I'm not going to sit here and tell you that the last day or two has not been reason enough to get totally sloshed off my rocker, but I can honestly tell you that it crossed my mind on occasion. right now, sitting here, I am looking at that glass, its not quite half full anymore, the brown amber liquid looks like a water down coke, but I know if I chugged it right now, that following the gasp of extraordinary disgust and fiery pain, in a couple of minutes all the crap that is going on around me would matter a lot less. If I drank it all, I would probably be throwing up in a little while, which would be better than sitting here wondering and pondering, and worrying about everything. You know what sounds really good right now. That's right. A Dr Pepper. Oh it would be so so so good to have one, an ice cold chilled to perfection, absolutely carbonated ambrosia. I only have 9 more days. right. just 9

One of my most favorite movies of all time is Stand By Me. FOr two reasons really, one that it introduced me to the writing of Stephen King and two there was that notion of friendship between the four main characters. There were slight differences in the book and teh movie as to which characters did what in certain scenes but it kind of hit home that it didn't matter what the four characters did, but rather that it was still the same 4 characters. That was teh first movie that I remember seeing that had an impact on me. it depressed me for the longest time. I don't know exactly what it was. Granted it wasn't one ofthose happy movies. it was quite melancholy. 4 friends on the search for a dead body, but at the end of the movie, the friendships we are told more or less disintegrate. They all go thir separate ways. because that is how life is.

I don't like the notion of a revolving door in my life through which people I care about and love can come and go. I like to think that its one of those entry only doors. And there is no exit. That my friends would stay by me and with me. I have a deep insecurity where that is concerned and the last couple of days I've had reassurances that while there is an exit door (I don't know where it is, or I'd have it boarded up, I assure you) there aren't many people who have used it.

I think one of the problems is that I keep looking for that door. And if I find it I'll go through it looking for the ones that have gone through it and hoping that I can find them again. But life has a funny way of changing people. Of changing how we view those people and what they once meant to us and how they view us.

I don't know why the notions of friendship have occupied my mind for the last year. They really have. I think on the whole, it has been the most well represented topic in this diary.

I feel like I am at a point in my life where I want to be surrounded by people who love and care about me, who cherish this idea of friendship and loyalty. The problem, and its not really a problem, is that the people who are surrounding me right now, the people whom I cherish the most, are at that point in their lives where they have to let loose and go find who they are, establish themselves and become the people they are going to be. The problem is, I feel like that is me too. I don't know who I am supposed to be. I don't know what I am supposed to do. I don't know a lot of things. I take solace in the fact that, I don't have to know. I don't need to know. All I need do, is live my life. I can't live anyone else's life. Just mine. And that is task enough.

I didn't do a whole lot of anything yesterday. I was tired beyond belief. I was worried about what tomorrow and the next day is going to bring.

I tried to sleep and think I might have fallen asleep for a little but itwas a restless oft disturbed rest.

Today a cold front has come through. Outside,there are birds chirping in the sunshine, the sky is pretty cloudless and all I want to do is curl up under my comforter and go to sleep. But I have to go to work in a little bit. I have to smile and be friendly to the customers. The idea that on the inside I don't know what I am doing is unsettling. That I don't have answers to what happened the other night, why it happened, how it happened, and while I know how it will affect them, I still wonder how it is going toaffect me. I don't want to be a casualty. Does that make sense? Am I being self centered, he wonders aloud to his diary.

Anyways......I guess I can go for the time being. I'll write more later.

I can tell you are looking forward to it. :)

neurosis ~ catharsis