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�FRIENDS:
Derek
Wade
Paige
Jessica

�QUOTE:

People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world. - Calvin


Catharsis:
1 : PURGATION
2 a : purification or purgation of the emotions (as pity and fear) primarily through art b : a purification or purgation that brings about spiritual renewal or release from tension
3 : elimination of a complex by bringing it to consciousness and affording it expression

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Friday, Apr. 12, 2002 - 9:08 A.M.
I had the most profound and soul search entry I have ever written in my entire life on this page and do you realize how quickly it can be lost. Snap yor fingers and its gone. Talk about profound and wonderfully amazing. Sigh. Now its gone for the ages to have never read. Never.

Okay perhaps it wasn't aw inspring or anything like that but still it was damned good. And now its gone. I hate that. I really do.

I was listening to my music that I have downloaded on my laptop. A lot of good songs. most of which I havebecause of my friends who have slowly but surely introduced me to a whole lot of stuff that I would never have listened to before. Some of the songs I play over and over again to my detriment. SOme of them make me melancholy and some of them make me want to avoid any possibility of falling in love, some of them leave me wanting to fall and fall hard to experience the extreme high of love and endure the extreme low of being without it afterwards. There's a lot of "alternative" songs that I listen to that I heard for the first time a little over a year ago. And I remember that year and everyone that introduced me to this music except for Wade is gone. I mean they're still out there, but for the occasional chance meeting in the mall or something like that, they might as well be gone. And by their choice. And in some instances I suppose its a good thing. I mean in all actuality, while we had a great time when we hung out together, I can't really say that many of us were that close or at least they weren't that close to me.

I'm listening to a song right now, Eric Clapton's More Than Words. Back when this song came out, a group of friends and myself "kidnapped" a friend of ours for his birthday and we all went to Arkansas for the weekend. It was the coolest thing. We stayed in this hokey hotel and one day we played on the roof in the rain. There were 5 of us and we had a blast. I only see one of those people now. But every time I hear this song, that is what I think of. It played like a billion times onthe radio as we drove out there. And it got to the point that they would turn it off when it came on. I love this song because of the memory that I associate with it. I have memories associated with teh songs on my laptop that i've downloaded in the last year. I have a few that I downloaded that I heard for the first time when I went to California 3 weeks ago. And I have to tell you listening to them, I feel a sense of melancholy that I didn't think was possible. How everything was before the trip and how things are now are 180 degrees different. It seems like we all have barriers up around us now and at first I was thinking that it was just them, but maybe its me too. I'm very familiar with the walls and barriers. But I have been trying so hard to keep mined own because I know that if I keep them up I am going to lose. I don't want to lose nobody. SO I have been trying so much harder to be open and honest and expressing myself. The other day I mentioned how Wade hung up on me and I was perturbed for the rest of the evening because he hung up on me but I didn't say anything to him but just mentioned it in here and it was just stupid. I mean how hard would it have been for me to just say, "Don't hang up on me. I mean you know how much you hate it when someone hangs up on you." Anyway it was just stupid

There's a song, and you probably know it, but if you ever wonder, if you have any question about what a friend should be willing to do for a friend, this is it right here. And if you ever have a doubt about what I would do for you my friends this is it.

"oh why you look so sad,
tears are in your eyes,
come on and come to me now,
don't
be ashamed to cry,
let me see you through,
cuz I've seen the dark side too.
When the night falls on you,
you don't know what to do,
nothing you confess, could make me love you less.

So, if you're mad, get mad,
don't hold it all inside,
come on and talk to me now,
hey, what you got to hide,
i get angry too,
but I'm alot like you
when you're standing at the crossroads,
don't know which path to choose,
let me come along,
cuz even if you're wrong.

I'll stand by you

And when
When the night falls on you,
you're feeling all alone
you won't be on your own,

I'll stand by you

Now someone might read this and say, well what about all those friends that you had this time last year. Where are they? Why aren't you standing by them? And all I can say, is that I don't know. I have the priviledge of knowing that I am far from perfect. Believe me when I say I am flawed. Its not for lack of trying. If I am right, and who knows if I am, I don't think it was me that walked away. And I have to ask, were we friends? I would be lying if I didn't say I didn't miss what we had, but what was it? Were they my friend or were they friends of friends.

I mean everyone in that group of people I met through someone. And they befriended me. But then the great rift of May occurred and people chose sides and everyone went in separate directions and I know that out of all of them, there is only one, that I am aware of, that refers to me in a bad light. All the others are as cordial and nice to me as ever, even if I see them very rarely. I would have no qualms having them over for a lasagna dinner. Though that seems as about as likely as my getting straight "A"s in all my classes this semester. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

neurosis ~ catharsis