�stalk:
email
notes
guestbook

�FRIENDS:
Derek
Wade
Paige
Jessica

�QUOTE:

People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world. - Calvin


Catharsis:
1 : PURGATION
2 a : purification or purgation of the emotions (as pity and fear) primarily through art b : a purification or purgation that brings about spiritual renewal or release from tension
3 : elimination of a complex by bringing it to consciousness and affording it expression

�SENSES:
Listening:



Reading:



Watching:

Saturday, Apr. 27, 2002 - 1:07 A.M.
Out of all teh people I know, I am most baffled by myself. Its true. You would think as closely acquainted with myself as I am, I wouldn't know more about me than I do, why I do the things I do, why I feel the way I feel and why the things that scare me or make me smile or cry and sigh or laugh, what makes me tick, I should know all this, right? I should, shouldn't I? And yet I baffled me completely. I'm insightful? I mean I have taken so many classes for the sole purpose of getting to know me. I mean I have oodles of college hours tied up in contemplating the inner me. And at he time, sitting there through teh lectures I get these light bulbs going off like crazy. oh that's why I do that, or of course, I should have known that all along But then I'm still thoroughly and completely flummoxed. But you know what puts my mind at ease. Its the fact that the whole world, every last one of us, we don't know. I mean sure we know, but we don't know. I know, you're thinking I'm off my rocker, but its true. Its really true. You look at someone who appears to be on top of the world and you take a peak behind that facade and the truth of the matter is that like you that are filled with insecurites and doubts and worries and the detritus that is the everyday crap in our lives. We are not alone.

Its so easy to look back and regret what our lives have been. What we haven't gotten accomplished, who we aren't with, what dreams we have let stay in the dark, what choices we have not made, what directions we did not turn. Its easy to look back and see failure. But the fact that we can look back, the fact that we can see those failures (if that is what they are) means that we have grown as individuals. Its amazing how we allow other people to be flawed but can't expect the same of ourselves.

I have this aversion to letting people go. I really do. Which is strange since I also have an aversion to letting people get close to me. I'm sure it stems from whatever childhood issues and relationships that I had when I was a wee lad, but still, there you go.

I think there are approximately 6 billion people on the planet give or take 500 million. And out of all these people I have encounter but the minutest of a fraction of them. And out of all the people that I have met over my lifetime, only a small fraction are in my life right now, just as it hasbeen for every particular time in my life. I can say that the people I know right now, have had the most strongest effect on my life than at any other point in it. The closest I have come to this was when I was working at Mr Ghatti's Pizza. I had a group of friends that I cherished a great deal. It was probably the first time in my life that I could actually call people my friends. And at the time I thought to myself that our friendship, the bonds that we made, would last. BUt life is strange in that we tend to move apart more than we move together. Occasionally there will be those few who move along the same invisible track and those people we need to recognize and hold onto. I so often talk about friendship because I think it is the one thing in my life that I have always wanted more than anything, because growing up it is the one thing that I didn't really have. I remember my brothers always had friends. We'd move to a new place and they would have new friends and before you know it they were the best of friends, but I felt like I was still looking for friends and then we were moving again, transferred to another military base, to a new school, and the search would begin anew. And my brothers would have their best friends and I would be looking. Finally ninth grade came along and the moving stopped but by then I had my barriers well in place. I didn't need anyone anymore, I was a survivor. I was an island. Self sufficient. By then my mother had divorced my dad and she had left. My oldest and youngest brother had gone to live with her and it was me and my twin with my dad. I can't look back on my life and see any strong connections in my life that reinforced in me an idea of stability where relationships were concerned. Friendships were temporary. love, temporary. We're not meant to ache for these things. These things are supposed to come to us. Friendship Love they are part of the human condition. At some point in my life, these things did come to me and they were as alien as the russian alphabet. I couldn't quite get a handle on them. They frightened me as much as the drew me. The sad thing is that it wasn't until I graduated high school. I don't look back and see that I was lonely though, just isolated. I isolated myself away from everyone. I really didn't yearn for any friendships. Now, now, in my life I have people. People I love more than any words that I can come up with. No words would aptly describe what they mean to me, how they have filled a void, how they have healed a wounded heart, how hey have given me joy and happiness and above all else a sense of love and acceptance that I cherish beyond my own comprehension. Sitting here typing this, I don't know the depth of what I am feeling. And what I know is this. Tomorrow, or the next day or 6 months from now or 10 years from now, one of them or more of them or all of them may not be in my life. And when that happens, we may mourn a friendship that is gone, or it may slowly fade as some friendships do, but right now, right here, I say to you all, I LOVE YOU. Know that! Please know that! And thank you. For your hearts and your words and your shoulders and your support and your presense in my life. As muchas I make my life what it is, you all have made my life so much brighter and so much more happier and so much more joyful. I love it when you make my cheeks hurt. (that's agood thing) ......okay anough of that.

Went and saw "Life or SOmething Like It" And I have to tell you it was such a pleasant surprise. Gary Cogill, a local "movie critic" reviewed it on the news last night and gave it a lackluster review so my expectations were low. But it has a wonderful message about living your life. Not the life that you think you "should" be living, but living life. We all of us have this "plan" where we need to be, what we need to be doing, who we need to be with. And the thing is, yes we make our lives what they are, but are we living our lives or are we living by wrote. I really liked the movie. I like the message. Angelina Jolie and Edwards Burns were really good in the film. Gary Cogill can bite me. It was agood flick. Go see it if you get the chance. Its not Academy Award stuff but it was good, in my humble laymans point of view..

WOrk was a delightful bore. No really it was. I didn't end up working by myself but rather worked with Carolyn. Which can be both good and bad. She's an exemplary employee. She does everything right. ALl the time. Almost too much. Its a bit irritating. But its a good thing. I'm just not patient enough sometimes to realize it. Tonight was one of those nights. Cuz she'll spend ten minutes with one customer while I am running myself ragged with the rest of the store. Its a bit peeving. But I survived it.

Supposed to go and watch ET tomorrow with Derek. SO I have something to look forward to after work. Which of course means that the day is probably going to stretch on and on into oblivion and 4:45 will not come soon enough. Other than that, ain't much going on round these here parts. Alas, such is life. Its funny, we never sit around and wonder how mundane our lives will be and what we will do with it, instead we dream big dreams and wish fame and fortune on ourselves and then we look back on those dreams which we have made more real that the reality that is around us and are disappointed in ourselves. We take our lives for granted instead, bludgeoning ourselves with those dreams and wishes. What we need do is wake up and blow out the freaking candles. Wishing and dreaming are all good. If you don't have anything to live for, to look forward to, then its no use. But the thing is, more often as not, we aren't looking forward but back. Not taking into account that the only direction time moves is forward, except of course on daylight savings time, damned hour throws everybody off.....So forward ho. The past is just that, past. Tomorrow will always be before us and in tomorrow we have opportunity and possiblity. Tomorrow we shall stay the course, we shall fight the good fight, and we shall live. Not perfectly ,because nobody lives perfectly. But live life in all its messy imperfections. Sounds good to me.

Well I don't know where all that came from, but I need to go to bed now.

Read me later

neurosis ~ catharsis