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�QUOTE:

People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world. - Calvin


Catharsis:
1 : PURGATION
2 a : purification or purgation of the emotions (as pity and fear) primarily through art b : a purification or purgation that brings about spiritual renewal or release from tension
3 : elimination of a complex by bringing it to consciousness and affording it expression

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Tuesday, May. 28, 2002 - 4:26 A.M.
Do you ever wish you were the center of someone's attention. Not that its a good thing to wish, its sorta egocentric thinking but still you wish it sometimes.

My two best friends found themselves otherwise occuppied over the last two days,whichleft me feeling a bit detached from everything. I'm used to either one of them being there and I'm not saying that they should be but I wish that one or the other had been. Its sounds selfish writing it like that, but that is not what I mean. I'm sure I could have spent the last two days with any number of other people, but at the moment they're the only two people that I would have liked to have been with.

I saw my friend Scott the other day and he had got my new number and was supposed to call me to go and do something. I haven't seen him in about two years or more and all I was thinking was if he called and we went and did something, what if one of the other two called. I would have had to tell them I was busy. I have given them a lot of me and its scary that I have because before a year and a half ago, I wouldn't have. I know people who would readily testify to this.

I was reading another journal the other day and I wrote that person telling them how much I liked the few entries that she had posted and she wrote me back this morning and asked me where my journal was and said that it probably wouldn't be near as interesting because people tend to not write what they mean or what they really feel in it. And that is so true. SO in that vein. The last two days for me have been terribly lonely. Through no fault of anyone but me. I could have called someone, and done something I'm sure. I could have but I didn't want to without one of them. So why didn't I say anything to either one of them. Because I felt stupid. I don't want to feel like I need them, even though I do.

With real true friendship, you are not supposed to be insecure or jealous of other people that your friends spend time with. At least that is something I read somewhere. Maybe I read too much. I was jealous that Derek made a friend that he could spend time with, without me, even though I know its different. I was jealous that Wade had a friend come in from New York and he seemed like he had more fun with him the last couple of days than he ever has had with me. Behind this cool nonchalnat facade is a co-dependent little boy who wants to have all teh friendships he was supposed to have when he was younger. I hate when teh cracks in my facade start to show and then find a venue to express themselves. Makes me seem so strong. Don't it? Anyway, tell it like its moment is over for the time being. I know you're happy 'bout dat!

Anyway, I'm outta here, read me later....

neurosis ~ catharsis